The Saxo Maniac

Expectations

2009-04-30T23:34:00.003+08:00

I guess its been a long time since my last blog entry. But i guess i had to have somewhere to release some of my thoughts and this is a place i turned to every time. I am now lost. I really do not know how to express myself any longer. Wad i was convince possible was smashed. I seem to not know my position to take up anymore, unable to weigh the pros and cons and losing mental control. I want to give up everything, cause only then i can achieve my greatest wish ever. There seems to be no other way. I want so much to fulfill my dreams but so reluctant to pursue it. And jus when a step was attempted, an incident occurred. I was told i am wrong to do so and that i resulted in unnecessary pressure. I am getting crazy!!! I really dunno wad kind of things i might do in the future. Now i jus want to go back to the past. As restricted as i felt i was then, at least its a safe approach and i will not cause today's incident to reoccur.

Ns

2009-03-11T08:18:00.002+08:00

Its been sometime since my last posting, but sorry everybody i had been busy with ns till now. Ns has been fun and learnt alot. My head is bald and thats about all i can reveal. Yup, looking foward now and its time for future plan. Lots of stuff to do in a very short time. Hmmm good luck to me!!!

NS

2009-01-28T00:24:00.002+08:00

Tmr, or should i say today at 1pm will be the moment. The day i enter NS. Two years of training is about to officially begin. I am now feeling rather lost, with alot of suspense and uncertainty due to the fact that i have heard of so many stories regarding life inside yet i myself have yet to see it for myself. Perhaps i might be a changed person from today onwards. The official day of entry to NS, yet i feel emotionless. I do not feel tense nor worried. In fact excitement brews in me. This will be a memorable experience.

Everybody due to a turn of events, i have accidentally short-circuited my entire phone and lost literally all my contacts. If u see this, pls msg me ur name so that i can reconsolidate my contact and know who are u the next time u msg me. Thanx alot. If u dun have my number, it is 91127781. Will really appreciate if u do so. =)

First 2009 entry

2009-01-11T08:44:00.003+08:00

My first entry of the year 2009!!! Haha.. Somehow i feel like a diff person. Jus a few days into the year, alot of ups and downs has occurred. Perhaps it is part of a learning process, allowing us to balance times of unhappiness with our daily life. As my enlistment date drew closer and closer, i began to feel the pressure of needing to prepare for it. But i have packed so much work, play and classes that i hardly find anytime to do so. Perhaps i should really do it in the middle of the night.. =)

Sorry!!

2008-12-30T00:07:00.002+08:00

I am such an idiot really.. After all that i have done to build up ur confidence and trust, i had to ruin it with a few bottles of alcohol.. Not only i put all these at risk, i placed ur safety at risk also.. U could have easily got into trouble and i will be here sleeping like there is no tmr.. I am simply an idiot.. Now that all the trust is lost, i have to start the painful journey all over again. The fear of lost is once again arising and the self reprimanding i am facing now is irreparable. All the understanding and the sacrifices i've seen is ringing in my head and in now way i am in any position to complain. As much as i am devastated by the new changes because of my action, i have to bear the consequences of going through an emotional roller coaster and days of insomnia.

I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!!

Life so far

2008-12-26T14:46:00.003+08:00

Hmmm. Busy busy busy.. Had band fest last week!!Got to know many new ppl and it is great to be able to interact with Doctor Eric Hammer. He is truly an impressive man and has bountiful knowledge in terms of musical learning. To seat in his rehearsals benefitted me alot and will help in my personal progress in the future, whether as a teacher or as a player!! Fellow chaperones and log ppl were oso great ppl, nv failing to make each and every day of band fest so much fun despite the exhaustion and stress of it. Overall it was great!! =)

I oso began my driving lessons last week and it was very fun. It gave me a new perspective of the road and as i walked along the road, signs and signals made much more sense to me. It will be an interesting experience ahead of me.

Attended phil youth concert on tues. Met sharine after such a long time and yup somehow seemed to really let this godsister down when i think of the fact that this is only one of the two concerts i have attended out of so many others. OOOOPS!! Haiz.. Should really meet up with her and my whole other bunch of friends that i nv got to contact soon before we really lose contact. Yup.

Went to sentosa yesterday with carmen. Had fun in the morning at first. Went to underwater world, fed the stingrays, touched starfishes, pufferfishes and archerfishes. Watched cinemagic, took the extremelog ride and went dolphin lagoon. At dolphin lagoon got around 40 plus sandfly bites which itch up till now. Afternoon got a little boring and frustrating as the crowd started building up and thus we left early and headed to vivo. Did some shopping, met cheryl there and yup the day is over. Went home with my itchy sandfly bites.

Hmmm. I do not know. But something inside had been broiling. However i am not able to tell if it is positive or negative. But the fact is that recently i had been much happier with myself and life. So perhaps it is something good. But wadever it is, if fate allowed that to happen to me, i will accept and go on with life strongly.

Last but not least, all things aside. Anybody interested in going NIE Concert pls contact me. Repertoire includes songs such as star wars, women in white and disney fantillusion. 5 Bucks per tix at NTU Auditorium at 5pm on coming sat. Come cause it is rare to have a concert like that with such a light repertoire. =)

Lose confidence.

2008-12-14T01:06:00.002+08:00

Alot has happened recently and caused me to think alot. Is being myself really so diff? Y is life so hard on me and has so much unhappiness encompassing simple things. I am happy and appreciative of things that are occurring, but i am unsatisfied and unhappy about all i need to go through.. Hmmm.. Guess it really not as easy as i thought.. Hundreds of thought whirling in my mind, but yet i am able to comprehend none into words to explain to others.. Perhaps to put it simply, i have lost confidence bout many things!!

3 nights no sleep, one lonely night

2008-12-08T00:05:00.003+08:00

These few months had been a busy period with lots of things to do.. No things are finally beginning to settle down and i can officially start enjoying my life after As. Hmmm, last three night is a total physical challenge for me. 4,5,6 dec had a camp and on 5th had a concert. First night was used to prepare for concert and had no sleep. Second night was used to prepare for games the next day and had no sleep. Controlling the kids, planning and practicing had taken a toll and i was damn tired. But the following night, i had a night cycling trip from boon lay to pasir ris. A third night without sleep combined with the exhaustion of cycling left me on the verge of breaking down.. Now its is finally a night i have to rest!! But somehow i can not induce myself to sleep. Staring at the empty house in front of me, i feel v lonely.. I can not go to sleep in such a big place all alone as i will feel uneasy.. Hmmm lets hope i can sleep!!!

Pri School Band Camp

2008-11-23T02:12:00.002+08:00

Was at the pri school combined band camp today when i realised how high the band standard of pri school has become. I mus say i am very impressed with those kids there. Then there was this 12 year old boy who can run on the tuba and pitch double top C on the tuba. I was quite stunned i mus say.. Today's trip was really worth it i guess. =)

-Perhaps expectations do lead to disappointment and disappointment leads to disorientation-

A lvls end

2008-11-22T02:28:00.002+08:00

It has really been a heck of time all these while and now finally everything is over and i am a free man. For once studies is finally out of my life. Hmmmm. Its late and so i am not going to blog much today, but have been on a sort of busy schedule every single day almost without fail. Haizz.. Will write a very very long entry soon but not within these few weeks. Looking back, guess somethings will nv be the same again as much as i wish for it. Prospects will be so diff and i will really miss everyone in my life so far.. Watching some videos really brought back memories and gape in amazement the vast changes that occur. Hmmm. Regrets, wishes, the pressure of time are really part and parcel of past reminiscence. I will nv forget all of u and will bury all of the wonderful memories from all of u deep in my heart.

I AM DYING!!!!

2008-10-27T22:50:00.002+08:00

Everyday has been a drag for me.. Its horrible horrible horrible!!! Jus as an computer without a cooler fan, there has been nobody i can turn to support. Day after day i have to live in my own world, no one i can turn to for emotional support.. Everywhere i go i have to showcase a brave front, yet underneath me i am drained.. The burden is massive and i am losing myself. How am i to console others when i myself cannot settle my own emotions. It is now when i really missed the times where my parents stayed with me and is always there to nag on me. At least i have someone i can pour my thoughts to. At least i do not need to lead a life at the top, a spot where everyone else turn to yet when i turn back, i am all alone. I have turned solemn and dull, shadowed in nothing but a blurred future, not knowing how it will be like. How much i am anticipating for the next month, where i can finally prepare for my next phase of life, away from all i am facing now.. Sure there will be regrets and longing for certain things, yet i will really go into a mental breakdown facing all these for any longer. No one understands, no one relates to me, no one to give me hope. I will pull on, but how long??? I am not sure.. =(

Breakdown??

2008-10-20T23:25:00.003+08:00

I do not know wad is in for me now.. As each day passes, the hourglass drains more and more, yet my problems are increasing exponentially at the same time. Over and over again, i had to change my revision plans. I am really losing it and seemingly be at the limit of my abilities. My optimism was once something i was always proud of. Yet i am no longer able to do it. As much as i try and tell myself to be positive, i was either disappointed or shot down ruthlessly. I know many others look to me for help, for encouragement,for inspiration, for motivation. But, i am afterall a human. I am not self-sustaining and needs someone to look to for support too. Yet i am not able to find that despite constant hints to ppl around me through my behavoir. Plagued by insomnia over the nights, horrible problems, stress, duties, obligations and alot of thinking, my mind is drained. All i am capable now is struggling to keep afloat. Yet while being a victim of the ocean, i have no choice but to help save others from drowning. Truthfully i am really suprised i am hanging on till this moment. Furthermore, emotional traumas are given no place in my heart at the moment. As i tell to others, a lack of response really wavers me. Disheartening me and is a fatal source of distraction. Currently, i locked everything somewhere deep inside me, burying myself in my work everytime i can. Yet, again and again, series of events just have to arise and pull it out from within me. And the worst thing is that no solution was provided for me after it was pulled out. Hmmm, everybody sees the apparent happy-go-lucky person on the outside, even those close to me. But who will one day see the inside of me and really understand me for who i am and know wad i need. Haiz.. Back to work as i hope for the best in the next few weeks......

Last day of school in NJ

2008-10-08T23:39:00.002+08:00

Its really been sometime. The last time i posted was on Sept and now its Oct. The final exams are finally approaching, leaving me with both anticipation and anxiety. I do not know wad will be in for me during that three weeks of papers, but one thing is for sure, it will be a period where divergence of my thinkings and wants will occur. Hmmm, time really flies and today was the last official school day. Thats the end of my tut and lecture life in NJ and as i went through my last few tutorials these last few days, looking at my teachers, it made me wonder y i did not appreciate them in the past. Their contribution to me i must say is very significant, yet in the past all i did was jus complain. Their determination and eagerness to help us really touched me. These few days was also a time where i wondered if i had wasted my life away in normal school days. Only when knowing its nearing the end, ppl choose to queue up lesson after lesson to ask ques, a phenomenal occurance in my class and has nv happened before till now. As my final weeks as an official NJian pass by me, all i have to say is i have many regrets, yet many things to thank for. Many times misjudged, but still i have my fair share of recognition. Many complaints, but revolving our actions and lives around things we do not like added to the fun. The amazing and enjoyable thing that will make me miss the school is not the school itself, but the friends around me that walk through the difficult times with me around unhappy moments in school, making life so much more interesting.

Life

2008-09-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

I was elated last weekend, going on a shopping spree on fri, met my sec school friends on sat night and went to the zoo on sunday. It was really fun and its been sometime since i felt like that already. Meeting my sec school friends was extremely meaningful as we had not met for a long long time. And we all realised the last time we played pool was when we were with each other.. How long ago was that?? Sun morning i had a short but interesting encounter with yingxu, where she passed me mooncakes and had a short chat below her block. Sun afternoon was the highlight of the weekend, where i visited the zoo. Anticipation and expectation for the trip made me especially cherish that visit and it was a fun filled trip. Saw plenty of stuff and furthermore it was a learning journey!! I learnt plenty of stuff and left the zoo extremely satisfied with myself.

Back to school on mon, it was time to switch back. Results recieved and reality sets in. A levels is up next and an even more rigourous revision must set in. But its true, this is the final lap and its now or never. I mus work hard and do it!!

Hmmm, but an interesting point to note is that the moon was extremely beautiful these few days. After Cheryl msged me to tell me about the moon that day, i took half an hour off my life and stared at the moon. How pure it seemed at that moment? That half an hour enabled me to calm down and get facts of my life right?? In our hectic lives of today, it does seem really diff for us to stop and think about wad exactly is in for us in life and wad are we doing everything for. Everything loses its meaning and we tend to forget our initial aim to do things, blinded by either self or imposed demands. Will there be a difference looking at the moon from another planet. A single object viewed from diff angles might reveal diff things. Something that many of us understand but fail to apply. How will Earth look from the moon? Nature has given us great beauty to appreciate, yet many ppl living in the urbanised world of today do not know how to do so due to their ever compliants of omni-present occurances such as stress, exhaustion and lack of time. Life is to beautiful to be wasted off, so lets learn appreciate life instead!!

NO SAFARI!!

2008-09-12T01:50:00.001+08:00

I AM VERY LOST, VERY DISAPPOINTED!! BUT GUESS IT CANT BE FORCED. HAIZZ!!

Fun fun fun,off from mono

2008-09-11T23:30:00.001+08:00

Its been some time since i last blogged, but there is nothing really to say though.. Preperation for prelims has proved to me monotonous and studying every single day. But these two weeks has been more happening. Last tues i met up with yingxu to pass her some notes. Had a good talk together over dinner. Its really been sometime since i talked to her and it was very enriching. Haha. Meeting her again tmr to collect mooncakes. Lol. Following last thurs, due to my dad's clashing of teaching schedule again, i had to go help him take Pei Chun's band. Wad a horror it is those little monsters, causing me to lose my voice in 4 hours time. So terribly noisy and playful. I think they can easily be rated as the worst school i taught all these years. Haizz..

And today, after the last day of prelims, i went through a little speed shopping with carmen at taka and wisma and had lunch. Afterwhich i joined my class at sentosa. On my way there, i saw a girl reading a book of teen psychology and it was funny how i deliberately stood behind her so i can catch a glimspe of it. As i reached Sentosa, how stunned was i when i saw the change there is. Its only been a year or so, but the place has changed so much i could no longer recognise. Other than the small waves in the sea, its really becoming some sort of a westernised beach resort. Played volleyball, captains ball, rugby, frisbee, weird childhood games in which we modify ourselves, took photos, looked for crabs and fishes, crossed the bridge to look at the ocean and sliding down sand slopes. Its been a fun experience. After washing up, went HBF Centre to have pastamania and shopped at vivo till nearly ten. Returned home and here i am typing this blog now. Wad a day!! Hmmm, wad a waste that this is our first class outing in these two years.

And yay, tmr i am going to Night Safari with Carmen!! Somehow, after it was decided two weeks ago, i filled me with anticipation and i was really looking foward to it. I missed the cute fishing cats and the small deers, the beautiful tapir and the coolest animal show yet!! How i am looking foward to it.. Haha.. I know i am getting over-excited, but it really makes me elated jus thinking of going there!! I even planned the itinery there and almost did something crazy.. Yippee.. Haha.. I am so glad i could go there again this year..

Tagged by cindy

2008-08-24T02:41:00.004+08:00

Guess i can do nothing but play by the rules!! Still have a quizz that cindy did that i want to do too.. But do not have the time.. WIll do it after prelims!!

tagged by cindy (:

Rules:
A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B) Tag eight people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. What are your reasons for being called a dino?
Hmmm, perhaps because of my height!! I'm 188!! HAHAHA

2. What do you do before bedtime?
Think of my day and dream of the future.. Haiz, i feel that i am so emo!! =)

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Beautiful!! Anything that leaves me memories to rmb for life!! And of course good weather!!

4. Where is the city of your dreams and why?
Hawaii!! Haha.. Nature bounded urban environment.. Think this meets Cindy's criteria, if she is not retiring in Australia that is.. haha

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
I feel i am an introvert, but ppl return me with stares when i say that.. Hmmm, so i am not so sure!! Lol!!

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Same as Cindy!! Loving someone who loves me!!

7. Do you trust easily?
Depends. Most probably yes to ppl i feel comfortable with and no to the others.

8. What person, dead or alive, is your role model?
Lots.. So many pro ppl around the world.. Lets see. Micheal Jordon's spirit and attitude towards life, Bill Gates independent and talented mind for business and Mozart's talent and determination towards music. Maybe Cindy too.. Sometimes i really wonder how i can be like her, to be slow.. Quite cool, but diff to do it.. Cindy is zai when i comes to be slow..

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Anything in school!! Speed of work accumulation is twice of work completion. I am going crazy!!

10. When's the last time you had fun?
Long time ago, right after Etude.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Haha.. Yup. Its fun having trivia and think bout myself.. And no MATHS!!!

12. How do you see yourself?
Eh dunno.. I cannot and i dun want. Makes me egoistic and i think ppl had enough of my ego already. Hahaha and because of that Cindy refuses to praise me!!! Lol

13. Who are currently the most important people to you?
Hmmm.. All who i hold so close to my heart, but the list i prefer to keep it secret.. I think the ppl who are in should know it and that is enough for me.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Slow and nice friend. Nv fail to entertain me regardless of where i am. Has a habit of bullying one particular moronic person. Though the moron bullys back too!!

15. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Hahaha.. This question is not for me to ans now.. =p

16. How many children do you want to have, if any?
Eh, if two is cliche, mine is exorbitant.. Haha 3.

17.What's better, to give or to receive?
To give but not recieve is stupid. To recieve and not give is selfish. It should always be a two way thing.

18. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
Agree with lumpy. Its not possible to love two, cause then it will not be true love.

19. What would you do if you became pregnant unexpectedly?
Too bad, not in my consideration. Im a guy!! But pre marital sex is so not for me, so guess i wont meet such a situation!!

20. What are you waiting for right now?
for my long long JC life to quickly end!!

Tagged: kakeru,yingxu,chunhui,joe,nich lam

Last day of school

2008-08-14T23:30:00.004+08:00

Its been sometime since i last blogged.. But how time flies.. Its been really sometime and now it comes to this day, the very last official school day.. Thinking of how i have passed my life all these while, i am really having a mix of feelings. Somehow, i left behind beautiful memories. However, underlying these are a series of regrets i have which is now too late to salvage.. But i know i have done all i could and now its not the time to look back.. I must look foward and find my direction for the next few months.. I have reminded others, now its time to remind myself.. Be optimistic, cause trouble will seem much more easier to pass when we think positive. Will look back on my life in NJ after my exams, but for now, its time to work hard and not look back anymore.. The last day of school also means the nearing of exams. Thats all for now, its time to study.

Happy Bday to Me

2008-08-04T00:00:00.000+08:00

It is 12 midnight and the start of my bday!! I am so happy now!! Though my bday falls on Monday and will not be able to celebrate it on the actual day, but thanx to all who bothered to help me celebrate it on the day before, which is jus a few hours ago. Thank you S05 mates, especially Joe for putting in the effort to organise this outing cum celebration for me and nich at Vivo. More importantly to Carmen for all your effort in making this bday such a special one for me!! Love you.. And thank you everybody who played a pivotal role in changing this bday from a boring occasion to a happy one.

I am so so so so high and happy now i think it will persist till later in school.. Lets see how everything goes!! Kkz bedtime cause no matter wad there is school tmr. Sianzz!! Good night everyone!!

Exhaustion

2008-08-01T01:50:00.004+08:00

Hmmm, its been sometime since i last blogged, but alot has happened recently. My last outing with NJCSB ppl, a band J1 to J5 BBQ outing, CAAL updating, revision, old friends, birthdays and new discoveries in life. Its so much that i get headaches from trying to organising everyone out. Haizz. But perhaps the greatest and biggest thing that hapoened to me was that after 3 sessions of NS checkup came the conclusion that i am suffering from hypertension. That is something that has taken me aback. Furthermore, the recent spate of illnesses i had, from fever to insomnia are signs that my body is not able to hold itself up much longer. All i can do is try my best to hang on and hopefully i can finish off these last few months of nightmare and tirely rest and relax myself after such a long long time. Its really been sometime since life really had its meaning for me. Hectic timetable and packed schedules has been burdening me down far too much. Too much for my mental and physical self to take!!

Dream come through

2008-07-11T23:55:00.002+08:00

Today was simply a dream come through.. Everything i hoped for came into place and perhaps its the best i can hope for.. Its not perfect, yet its already a drastic improvement and could not ask for anymore than that already.. Desires are insatiable. Thus, we mus learn to be contented with what we have and that is enough.. All i can say is that i have seen a huge change, still hoping to see more but yet will not force it out anymore as the rest will take a longer time. Let it slowly grow and nourish and finally coming out by itself. Simply i am very happy.. Guess tonight will be the night i can have a good long sleep!! Finally after a week of insomnia!!

Stressed up life

2008-07-10T23:16:00.002+08:00

I give up!! Wadever i say, do or plan is not working out.. I am abandoning this week's revision in a bid to complete my work. There are various reasons..

First, why do teachers have to super impose so many additional work upon students. Bent on using up wadever spare time a student has, how am i expect to go and finish wad i myself plan, unless i choose to cramp and squeeze everything up into tight timetable. But that is not the way to study. I already predicted extra work, thus loosing up the timetable by alot in order to make space. Yet, the amt teachers put in is too much, way to much. I am very annoyed!!

Secondly, everyday has been full of emotional turmoils by the time i reach home. Not a single day i came home in a good mood and the daily tearbank seems to be emptying itself every single day. To add on the quantity seems to be increasing day after day Furthermore, stress from teachers and ppl around me seems to accumulate daily and leave myself dying from exhaustion. Committments leave me even worst off as i have insufficient sleep and inadequate rest. Prominence and vibrancy in me has died down alot and attempts to revive it is being suppressed. Simply i am struggling hard, yet not saying anything to avoid further detrimental effects.

The line between right or wrong is jus a very fine one. Wad determines it is often how things are perceptive. To give up on things close to us might seem as a mistake, yet it can be viewed as an altruistic action. To shoot someone might be wrong, yet if it is a police it seems to be right. This is how life is, developing the ability to differentiate things using judgements and not stereotypes. Take things case by case and do not conclude when anger is at its peak!! This is something i have been shielded from for too long until today, as i struggled and buried myself in work, i pulled myself out once more.

In conclusion, i am having a hard time with life now, with health, work, family and a few other impt committments, it really leaves me lost. I shall try my best, but i shall stop forcing. Cause i must know where the importance of everything lies!!

AGM

2008-07-09T23:34:00.002+08:00

Today was AGM. U can nv imagine how emotional a moment it was, with everything before me going to diminish right before my eyes. It marks the very last day as an official band member of NJCSB. It might jus be a sad moment for some, but having spend and committed so much to a group for 3 years, it means so much more to me.. Every note i played, every song i perform, everyone i know and every chance for me to be myself was spent in that one room.. My second home for the past two and a half years.. Now having to leave that place, it brings back many many memories. I had been on one exco positions and two muco positions in the course of these few years and wad i have seen is so much more.. I seen the growth of many of the great players in the band today.. I have seen various attitudes and have a brain full of amazing stories to tell about my life in NJCSB. It has really been a very enriching experience.

During the speech today, in both the SL and Stage Band speech, i had so much more to say.. But i held back reason being it was late and everybody was tired.. Secondly, i was afraid that i might lose control during that emotional moment and lose my cool in front of the band and resulting in an embarassing blubber.

To my sections. First thank you sher yan for the cake today. It was really nice, and its a banana cake!! My fav. Lol. And other than that, i would jus want to say that this year the entire section has been tasked with various duties within the MUCO and hopefully all of u can do it well.. U have given me so much more than i ever gave u all.. Ever so helpful and making our section life so vibrant, its you all that drives me to love this band even more.. To those leaving the band with me, u all have been great companions in the band and i will really miss the times we had together. From the hard work in SYF till the last note of today's morning assembly, every note you all play is a representation of the bond and the knowledge we learnt and picked up together.. To the 5 juniors, its really hard for me to say this, but for some of u i hold a certain degree of expectations. Though i do not talk about it much, yet i see potential in terms of playing in a few of u and is hopeful for a marked improvement when i hear u all play next time. Perhaps, one day i might see one of you reach a stage better than me.. The day i would see that would mean me being very proud to say that "that is my junior"

Not forgetting bian bian, ant, ek, cheryl, andrew, dolly and everybody would played a role in my amazing band life all these while. Thanx for all ur gifts and nice words from all of u.. It really means alot.. I shall stop here now as there is school and test the next day. Shall leave the rest to another day!! I need to SLEEP!! Nitez cause its time for bed!!

Expectations Poem

2008-07-08T00:44:00.000+08:00

Expectations fail, trustworthiness frail
Understanding is sought, yet nothing was caught
When ideals are lost, alternatives are forced
Sacrifices are made, yet nothing was said

U might see a deviant, but i see a variant
It might seem to distract, yet it serves to protect
Converse as it looks, its for ur own good
It seems to be for personal glam, yet its you at the very end.

Confusion surrounds, delusion engulfs
Accomadation attempted and never once surrendered
Risks will be taken, for hopes unforsaken
For cherish is the key, to be free from perish

Its time for changes, for its been ages
Adjustments proved futile, advancements hoped fertile
My best is wad i give, a fest is wad u get
Confidence is wad i have and assurance is wad you left

Its our world and its our love
So let us keep to wad we seed
Hanging on and paving on
The fight for light must be in sight

P.S: I was wrong, but its not my fault. I did not know and its unexpected. Yet i accept it cause an unknowing mistake is still a mistake. But now i know and wish for the chance, to have the trust in me. For it is the trust where i need most for me to push on. Nv would i want a lost in trust, nor hear distrusting remarks. I am weird but its a form of security, for me and for my life.

Sun Tiring and no work day

2008-06-29T20:41:00.002+08:00

Somthing i read from a email today.. It really makes sense.. Its something we all really can consider..

Watch your thoughts for they become words
Watch your words for they become actions
Watch your actions for they become habits
Watch your habits for they become character
Watch your character for that is your destiny

Haiz.. Tiring today and little time for work, so little time for a long entry..
A quick timeline of today:
1) Tim Sum at Tong Le Restaurant with all my aunts and cousins (They have really nice barley)
2) 'Kopi' session at Mcdonalds/McCafe
3) Back at Yew Tee to watch 'Shutter', nice show!!
4) Sleep
5) Jogging, bball session with my cousin
6) Half an hour rest at home
7) Dinner Session with my family
8) Going to bath now
9) Finally work and revision

Kkz.. I mus go revise my work already!!!

Overly demanding??

2008-06-27T23:45:00.001+08:00

Today was rather enjoyable.. With a rather acceptable school day, a nice lunch, a intriguing interview and a fun day out with the ppl from band.. I am in elation, yet a swirling thought remained deep in my mind.. I wonder about the existence of egalitarian life, the possibility of tenability.. I was nv a believer of god, yet there is this one biblical illusion in which i read about that greatly changed me. 'A women is captured for adultery and brought forth to god to await punishment. Yet, god jus said "Let the one who has never sinned be the one to first throw a stone at her." Afterwhich, all left and not a single stone was cast upon the women.' This tells us three things.. First, we must do what we preach and walk the talk. Two, we must admit that no matter wad mistakes made, regardless of the significance, is still a mistake. Jus admit it graciously and learn from it. Move on afterwhich as dwelling on wad is done leads nowhere. Lastly, when we demand for things, we ourselves mus deliver.. Expectations of others often deludes ourselves from wad we do and often it results in insensitivity.. Its something to watch out for and be careful of.. Haiz life is never easy!!

Horrible quarrels

2008-06-26T18:30:00.000+08:00

Another horrid day.. I do not know why, but today turned out unexpectedly and emotions took over everything.. More than once i was hurt, but i took it all as its my fault that it turned out this way.. Sorry.. Expectations turned out overwhelming and the feeling of subterposition came back once again!! I gave all i could, but was returned with further expectations.. Perhaps more time is needed and thus i jus took the losing side to prevent further unhappiness.. Insistence kills, but now is not the time yet.. I am in a really bad mood now and i shall say no further as it shall worsen.. How i wish subsynchronous will become a fact of reality.. That is all i ask, yet its wad i cannot say.. Haizz.. I am really not in the mood for work now.. I shall go take a good long unrestricted sleep.. Perhaps i will be able to think clearer after that..

First three days of school

2008-06-25T15:40:00.000+08:00

School finally began!! First day was horrid, two tests and receiving of common test papers.. Its terrible.. As if being bombarded by teachers, stressing us on the impt of A levels continuosly was not enough.. To make matters worst, the day had to end at 6pm because econs test began at 4.30. Second day was slightly better as school was much more normal and less stressful, and of course the day ended early.. Took the usual and enjoyable peregrination and ended the day off with a blast! Today was oso enjoyable, other than the fact that i am beginning to miss the usual interactions i had during the holiday.. Now I think i am going to have difficulty transversing these restrictions throughout.. I will have to think of a solution soon!!

Ok.. Thats enough of blogging.. Its time for revision to begin!!

End of holidays, start of preparation A levels

2008-06-23T22:01:00.001+08:00

It all comes down to this day where one of the most impt marathon in my life will begin.. I had fun this holiday.. Watched 3 movies, went many places, had fun, had a successful concert, met and got to know a batch of great pals at pre u sem managed to did some revision.. In the last few days, went out to watch Penelope at cathay.. Quite a nice movie and in fact i quite liked it.. Then went to Vivo for a walk and lunch.. Walked around more and met kak there with his platoon mates.. Following on went to bishan and met daniel and grace there.. Its jus a day of coincidence.. Nevertheless its fun and amazingly satisfying.. Though nothing physically, nothing much was accoplished, yet it was highly satisfying mentally.. Next day went out with Yingxu and Kak.. Its nice meeting them again.. You know wad, the amazing thing was that Yingxu was at Vivo the previous day too.. Which means all three of us were at Vivo at around the same time the previous day we met.. Yet both me and kak did not meet her at all.. Went to have Swensens, had a good chat and exchanged alot of happenings.. Got to understand how each of us are doing now, since we haven met for a long time already.. Went to watch Get Smart after that.. Its a stupid movie, but nice in the sense that it really makes one laugh out uncontrollably and yup so i still liked it quite alot.. Makes me feel relaxed.. Wanted to play at the game arcade after the movie as Yingxu realised there are new game machines there, but as all of us had something on after that, we had to part.. YX went to meet her dad and me and kak took a journey down the red line.. Had another good long chat before we continued our other part of our day.. Kak is meeting 4/5 ppl at PS while i met up with Carmen for dinner.. Had pizza, walked around for a short while and went home after that.. Today went to Malaysia in the morning, had my fav prawn noodles for breakfast and did some shopping at Sentosa's "Store". Went on the City Square for another shopping trip before having our lunch at Stonegrill.. Was not bad and was quite amazed with the volcanic rock that is used to cook the meat.. Came back to Singapore after that and shortly after i reached home, my cousin came.. Initially, my mum planned a girls outing, whereby she herself together with my aunt, my grandmother and my two other cousins go out together.. But seeing me alone at home and that i will have no time to meet up with my cousins after today, i was pulled out with them to causeway.. While the adults shopped, my two cousins and i wanted to eat ice cream.. Realising that Cafe Galare and Swensen is full, we decided to jus settle for Ya Kun.. Had a cousins chat and met up with the adults for dinner at Pizza before going home.. And that ends my day.

From this point on, it will be a new journey.. As mentioned above its a marathon and the most impt is pace.. I shall set a starting pace and maintain it throughout the entire journey.. Its time to be selfish and its my pace that i shall follow and nothing else.. Will stop compromising anything that disrupts me and i will jus follow my own speed, to ensure i have enough energy for everything all the way till the end.. Its time to believe in my own judgement and finish the journey successfully.. Balanced work-play attitude, organised workplan and disciplined relaxation shall be the indication of me from tmr onwards.. As the saying goes, when the going get tough, the tough gets going.. Its time for me to showcase my endurance and go through this no matter how difficult it may be..

NJCSB Saxo 08

2008-06-20T01:10:00.001+08:00

The mark of our section!! Saxo Rawks!!

I had a sudden thought.. Perhaps i did not realise it, but i had developed a strong sense of attachment over time, something that i myself did not know.. It is now, where everything is over when i begin to feel at loss.. Hmmm, I do not realise in the past, yet i do now.. I am beginning to miss my section. A grp of 10 ppl, where we work together in the same place towards the same goal, trying to master the same techniques and guide each other towards the possibility of playing notes running at incredulous speeds while having as much fun and enjoyment in the process.. That is my section.. NJCSB Saxo 08!! 9 other ppl where i meet daily in school, seating so near to me.. Right around me in fact, yet i do not realise such a bond being formed.. Now, we will most probably have not many chances to play together and i am beginning to regret..

However a fact to accept is that what is over is over and i all i wanna say now is a big thank you to all of u very much.. For the jokes, the fun, the games, the help, the friendships and of course the joy u all have given me.. I really miss our time in band where i hid behind the stand sleeping and ya all attempting to wake me up; the times where we play tick tag toe and other games on paper during band prac; the times where we start telling all kinds of jokes that do not seem to make sense and are extremely cold; the times where the entire section work together to make me speechless; the times where we worked together to play our music correctly despite the thot of giving up; the moments where we shared in band passing non-relevant messages across our stands although our main objective is to have a section outing. These are jus simply the tip of the iceberg.. The things my section did together that will leave a mark in my memories can be written down only on a list leading to infinity.. There is jus too much!! This year had been an incredible one up till this very point. Though we might not be the best section there is in the band in terms of both playing and attitude, but u are best section i will ever have. All of u is all i ever want in a section!! The kind of fun-loving and sociable ppl where its jus so easy to talk and joke around..

Sher Yan
May Qi
Simin
Zai
Priscilla
Yi Min
Li Wei
Nara
Zi Han
I WILL REALLY MISS YA PPL ALOT!!! THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!

I Love You

2008-06-18T23:31:00.003+08:00

I am very satisfied. Thank you for ur understanding, ur faith and ur appreciation. I am beginning to know wad i want and how the future is going to be.. Its unlikely to be bleak and i am now extremely hopeful. Elation fills me each day!! Each day of work motivates me towards the culmination i am looking foward to a few months from now. Meanwhile each day of play represents a provocation to strive harder. To enjoy myself to the fullest and to ensure a gratifying experience. I had lots of fun because of u and i am extremely thankful for all i have now. Love you!!

Carmen bday

2008-06-16T12:41:00.002+08:00

Alot has happened within these few days and it has brought me much more than jus plain happiness.. It brought about increased understanding and much less doubt as the bond grows stronger.. Feeling of desperation has changed to satisfaction and abdication converted to appreciation. Focus is something much more within my grasp and guess the route to take in the future will seem clearer.

Last fri had been a great day for me.. And perhaps i should change my list a little to summarise the day!!
1) Chocolate
2) Pig pig
3) Breakfast- Prata
4) Shopping for shorts at Raffles City
5) Buying of top at City Link
6) Lunch at New York
7) Chocolate Heart
8) Photoframe
9) Calender
10) Big Black Necklace at Central
11) Calender
12) HP Pouch
13) Dinner at Curry Udon
14) Cake
15) Tigger
16) Silver Necklace
17) Cow Box
18) Card

Yup 18 things that made and summarised the day!!!

Sat is an entire day with my family, going to diff places all over Singapore. Was not exactly fun, but yup its fufilling. Something worth cherishig and reminiscencing.

Sun was a meaningful day. Half a day with my family and half a day outside. In summary its short and sweet.. A great day in summary!!

Band Spirit and Emotional Trauma

2008-06-11T21:35:00.001+08:00

I heard from many.. Its all about the band spirit and the bond in band that brings one closer to band, to make one love band. But to me, its much more than that.. I love everything about band.. The music making process, the experiences (both good and bad) and problems. Its these that make us grow and develop into adults who can think and judge ourselves from thereforth.. Band has given us alot and its up to us whether we want to give back.. I will really miss band and everything i will miss out on after i leave it. Everything about me; character, leadership, musicality, playing, skills and even love is found from the midst of band. As etude 33 comes to an end, it marks the end of everything.. A spetacular ending to my band life in NJ.. I will miss it alot and everything it has given me..

Haizz.. I really do not know y!! I jus ran and ran.. I was not thinking of anything, yet i was trapped in an emotional whirl.. I am really at my wits end.. I am at my limit already, yet still fail to bring happiness.. Wad should i do?? How shall i solve this?? This is something i mus really ponder and think about.. I really do not want it to happen again!!! I will change!!!

Etude 33

2008-06-09T11:34:00.012+08:00

As etude 33 comes to a close last sat, it not only marks the end of a great performance, but also the end of my life as a NJ band member. That very last note of yamato would be the very last piece i will ever be playing as a NJCSB member and it really leaves me rather sad to leave a group where i learnt so much in.. A group where i got to know so many impt ppl in my life and a group where i feel so belonged in. I will really miss my section, my life as i think of nothing but band while preparing for concerts and my life as a NJ musician. On a happier note, the concert had been a success and its really heartening to have such a wonderful and interactive audience.. Though i screwed up a few times, its still great in general. Hmmm guess that is that and i will really miss everybody alot. Band now means so much more than jus music.. It now means my love, my passion. A close-knitted family for these few years and a grp where i seek comfort in. It has finally come to the day where we shall part and it is this very day where i want to say a big THANK YOU to Mr Ho, Miss Feng, Mr Leong, Miss Lim, Miss Tai, my section, my friends and all that i got to know through NJCSB. Carmen, Cindy, Anthony, Eng Kwan, Dolly, Cheryl trum, Ying Xu, Joe, Nich Lam, Kak, Josephine, Benjamin, Andrew flute, Kaixin, Priscilla, Sher Yan, May Qi, Simin, Zi Han, Nara, Li Wei, Yimin and Zai. The list jus goes on and on. I WILL MISS BAND ALOT AND ALOT!! My great juniors and my beloved friends.

Love is in the air!? Oooops this sounds wrong..

The NJCSB Woodwinds!!

Priscilla and Zi Han trying to be funny while Theresa is doing the scarf for them.

Haha. NJCSB's innovation to move instru. Watch video below.

The entire NJC stage band!!

The gang who goes out everyday after band prac for the whole of last week.

HMMMM!!! Hahaha..

My dear stage band dancers with me cheryl!!

Me and carmen. Carmen trying to snatch away my soprano sax again.

Joyce came for the concert to support Theresa and indirectly supporting me.

Behold the Ah Mah!!

Ying Xu!! Haven seen her for sometime and really missed the times we shared in NJ together.

Shermin!! Our boss of the NJC band. Stressed me quite alot by seating rite at the front during NJ concert.

Joe!! A reliable pal and really helped me alot both in exco duties and playing during his time in NJ. Someone truly worth respecting.

Kakeru!! My friend since childhood, someone who shared most of my life experiences and band experienced with. Went japan australia together. Participated in 4 SYFs together in the same band. Went through 11 years of school life in the same school. Wad more can i say??

Members of the old school!! Since kirby's batch..

Nan Huarians in NJ Band

For one last time the NJ Saxo Section 2008 takes a photo together. Ppl i will really miss alot. Note the puzzle they made for us seniors. One for each of us and one final piece for the section to keep and remind them of us. So sweet right!! Sorry for not giving anything during etude!! Will sure to give ya all something during V Night.

Beautiful flowers that is handmade. Really thankful for it and very happy to recieve it!!

A beautiful daisy given to me from my section.

A rose from my Nan Hua juniors.

The "flower" i asked joyce to buy. Hmmm, she jus finds it weird to give a flower to a guy and gave me this instead. Haha. Thanx alot cause only knew her for a few days and she bought something for me!! Such a nice person.

A gift from Ying Xu. She says she will share with jo. Though jo has not agreed yet. Lol. Yup but its really nice of her to give me this, something so diff from wad she gives others.

Video featuring NJ's innovation!!

Pre U Sem

2008-06-09T04:26:00.000+08:00

Its been sometime since i last blog and so much had happened these past few weeks i really have alot to say. It revolves around two things pre u sem and Etude 33. Let me first talk about pre u sem. The first week of my holiday was spent on pre u sem. 5 days camp in NTU and its hostel was a rather enjoying experience. Other than that sense of longing and missing wad is outside of NTU so much, everything was great. As the saying goes pictures say a thousand words and so, i shall leave the pictures to say wad exactly happened during my 5 days.

SG 22!! Our very first grp photo.

Amazing how the digital chase we had on the second day brought ppl up this beautiful grass slope

Another grp photo!!

Haha.. An attempt to get our assistant group leader joyce under the sand while she was doing reflections with the grp after the sandcastle making.

Sandcastle! Part of we did after 4 hours of hardwork under the sun.

A beautiful sunset that day at east coast park!!

Suncastle showing our love for the country, our motherland Singapore!!

More sandcastle!!

Carving of this year's pre u sem theme on a sand wall.

The beautiful centre piece that was done!!

Our grp's very last dinner together by the beach.. It was a emotional moment for me as i think bout our seperation after the 5 days together.

The NJ Pre U Sem team at the closing ceremony.

SG22 guys trying to act emo at the closing ceremony.

SG22's last group photo!!

Our dear leaders of the grps and great friends, THE SLOs. Pre U Sem was so fun mainly due to their efforts to bond the group and bring us together.

Mavis trying out my NJ blazer. As if her AJ blazer was not bright enough!!

After mavis its joyce. I wonder wad is so attractive about the NJ blazer that the whole world wants to try it. She also told me that i mus show this to theresa. Haha.

Haha. Joyce insisting that she is tall and thats y i deliberately took this photo. Anw, a side note, Joyce is theresa's best friend!! Wad a coincidence!!

Our group tag. With some of our signitures on it. Too bad we are not able to gather everybody's signiture cause they left early. But no matter wad SG22 rawks!!

I will really miss the group cause its been fun and i really hope to meet these amazing ppl again.. Thanx for all the kind words ya all wrote to me at the end of the seminar and will really miss u guys.. Wish ya all the best till we meet again!! Ok its getting late and i shall blog about etude tmr!!

Carmen dun want me??

2008-05-25T03:23:00.002+08:00

A fear struck me hard today.. I am really scared now.. Though i acted indifferent, but i am in actual fact deeply affected. Wad should i do.. I did so much, i tried my best and that is all i can do. Its ideal if that piece of metal would remain, yet if one day its removed, will it destroy all that i have. All i can do now is jus to hope and hope.

Terrible feeling

2008-05-13T00:24:00.002+08:00

This is so terrible.. Its so bad i am beginning to lose my cool and control.. The serious situation of verbal circumscription, physical impermeabilty and parochial opportunities. To make matters worst, being plagued with knowledge saturation and multiple avenues of distress i am literally going crazy.. The fear of potential porcinity is also lurking somewhere. Haha. How i jus wish time will speed up and reach that one day in which i have been looking foward for these past 3 months.. Something that i want, yet was not possible until that very day..

Giving up common test

2008-05-05T01:28:00.004+08:00

I am happy, i really am!! But i am jus confused and have decided to give up on work. I do not wish to exhaust myself over a futile attempt and thats all i have to say. Nitez.

My problems

2008-05-04T02:47:00.001+08:00

I know i should really be sleeping but there are jus too many things in my head now for me to have any possibility of shutting it down despite my total exhaustion. Haizz, i am jus so weird.. I am not sure why i think about these, but ya its something beyond my own control.. And to vent all these frustration i decided to list them all out..

1) I am beginning to question myself as a person.. Am i holding on the correct values in life?? If yes, y do i still in face with comments which questions and challenges my character and thinking. If no, y did i adapt them in the first place. Its getting so complicated that even after a few days, i fail to comprehend anything and i feel totally exasperated. Y am i no longer able to bring smiles to family and friends close to me?? Once again, i feel useless!! Hmmm, is my value-system breaking down?? I really dunno wad i should do now.

2) I am also very affected by two words i saw one day ago. "KILL ME" It makes me think about wad the true value life really means. If someone really writes something like that and death is truly the long term solution, then that also makes the argument for euthanasia valid doesnt it.. It sets me worrying whether that someone who entertains this thought will seem like a time bomb, set to explode without any warning. Am i wrong to say that life is above all other things.. Regardless of wad happens and how bad things get, we should put life first? Or is it right to say that its a life without sufferings that makes it worth living for and if we are in such suffering, we might as well not live? I know this sounds very pessimistic, but certain facts in life must be faced and death is something that cannot be taken lightly.. I am now no longer sure and i am now in a state of distress, cause we nv know if someone who entertains this thought will really carry it out one day.. In simpler terms jus one word- WORRIED!!

3) I am now wondering my ability as a musician and my capabilities as a player. As i go along, i seem to be facing more and more problems.. Not only did i not improve my solos since the first time i sight read, but deproved instead.. Its total devastation as i am now bewildered by why my playing is like that.. Perhaps i am not as good as i think i really am and i will never be able to play something good.. Comments on my playing really makes me start thinking of how good am i exactly and based on recent comments, my level lies way below expectations.. Perhaps i am really not that good and should give up trying to be someone that plays something with true aesthetic beauty and technique.. I REALLY SUCK!!

4) Third i think of myself as a poor student, behind time in my revision and not able to balance my CCA and school life.. Furthermore, much of my revision WS are left untouched and many of my chap left uncovered. Unable to remember many of the things i studied.. How am i supposed to keep up this way.. I mus really study more cause this is so WRONG!!

5) Lastly, i am a failure as a person. To be unable to understand others and constantly make mistakes day after day.. Failing to notice things that put others into distraught is not right at all.. When faced with ppl having continuos days of horrid events, i do not know wad to do and in fact nv really understand.. I am jus so terrible!! Jus today i made another mistake and was reprinmanded again. It was something that hit me so hard that i seem to not able to sleep and left me to think about wad i did wrong.. So i had came to the decision that i shall stop trying new stuff and leave things as it is.. Cause anything i do will be jus a mistake.

ARGH!!! MY HEADACHE IS SO TERRIBLE AND I WANT TO SLEEP. BUT MY BODY JUS DUN WANT TO!!! I am confused, but i shall go back to my bed and try to sleep again.. Shall not make myself, a person who is already so unsatisfactionary in behavior even worst by not sleeping.. Haizzzz.

College day

2008-05-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

Today was a tiring day, had band prac followed by college day.. Haizz.. Its really energy draining and the worst thing is i dunno where the energy is spent on.. Nevertheless it was a fun day.. Donned in our nj attire, characterised by our red blazers with grey skirt and pants, we felt weird.. But since its the last time we would be wearing that with the rest of the band, we made it a point to have alot of fun.. Though i had to agree that the waiting time was a little long, but once again i begin to feel the vibrancy in the band.. The passion i once had and the dedication i have for band.. Thanx so much everybody for everything.. Next up is the pictures!!!

Hmmm, elaine seems to want to become smarter!! haha

I dunno whether to call this vulgur or jus plain playful, but its funny anyway. LOL

Carmen and Me!!

The NJC Saxophone Section!!! We are having 10 ppl, something that nv happened in NJ before (Note my position, i am always squatting in the middle for all section photos. haha)

The NHSB Gang in NJ. Once again, NJ nv ever had more than two NHSB players in the band before. Now we have 4!!

Maintaining relationship

2008-05-02T03:26:00.001+08:00

I am tired, thinking of things. Perhaps i am too emotional and prefer to voice my opinions and not expect any response. Generalisation is wad i often do and that is y specificity often holds the answer behind every problem or unhappiness i face. Perhaps that is y general comments often get me into rather complicated problems, often being misinterpreted for wad i truly mean.. Perhaps insensitivity towards feelings is wad others see my words as, yet often these words are not directed at anyone and its often meant as something to be laughed upon.. Another reason is perhaps the fact that i want to know that i have improved and gaining recognition through praises is how i am sure i did.. Ya i dun deny i am egoistic to a certain degree, but this is jus something i use as a gauge for my own ability, not as something to showcase the inferiority of others.. Truthfully i am highly relunctant to accept the fact that i am insensitive, cause i believe i am not, based on the fact that i am often reading through thoughts of others before anyone else sees it.. Yet, perhaps i have gone too far and i mus really take it and reflect on it.. How i see things might not be how certain ppl see it.. And that is the insensitivity on my part that i mus change..

We know its a difficult journey to take, to balance and to walk.. But its a choice made and we must continue it no matter wad it takes and wad comes in our way.. Thats the way of life.. Wad happens can be cruel and unpleasant to the ears, but its for a greater benefit in the coming future.. A diverse path has now turned towards and is moving towards an intersection point. We know its near yet unsure of how we will make it as there are many uncertainties ahead. Striving on is the only way out, keeping in mind all that is said and work on the basis of trust and understanding.. Its natural to be defensive of ourselves, but its good to lower the shield occassionally to really think about it.. Denying things at first glance is often a reflex action for self defence, but agreeing to it takes true endurance and courage. That is something we must learn and apply..

Another thing thats driving me crazy is my dad.. Once again he asked for my help in work.. Yet as if being piled up by a mountain of uncleared revision is not suffucating enough already.. So once again we quarrelled again, souring our relationship even more.. Its the second time in this week and its because of the same thing. But once again i shall not let myself care..

2008-04-29T12:12:00.004+08:00

I am really confused. Emotional extremeties had been plaguing me for the past few days. It is a horrible feeling and i am very very annoyed by it. It really makes me wonder if this is ubiquitous among everyone in general. But wadever the case, this is jus not for me. My body is not made to handle such swings in mood. One moment i could experience delight, yet depression can jus follow barely an hour later. Its terrible!! In a single day, i can feel glad, unhappy and angry. Its so bad that i no longer know if my smiles or tears are genuinely reflective of how i feel. Haizz, deep inside me i know i am waiting for something or someone to help me.. Once again i feel so helpless.. I really hate this feeling.. Hmmm, i really dunno wad i am thinking!! Argh!!

Haizz, forget it.. Back to my GP lesson.. Blogging in lesson is so WRONG!!

2008-04-28T21:54:00.000+08:00

Why mus u be like that? Y do u have to be so unreasonable? I can understand ur desperation to complete ur work, but u are not the only busy one in this world! U spoil my day totally and wasted another impt revision day for me. Y do u have to make our relation so sour? Its something i should help u in, but making it obligatory is nowhere welcoming for me.. I have wasted enough time and i cannot afford to do it anymore.. I shall choose to avoid now and get my exams over and done with.. I no longer care if u will be angry, or whether u will be in trouble.. I have kept my side of the bargain and i shall not care.. If u give me the attitude, i shall turn to other places of refuge. This is jus too beyond me so scold me all u want and i dun care..

Hmmm, on the bright side today was a happy day.. I got my my feel, the love for music and the passion to play. Everything is beginning to come back and band is now something i enjoy and not be stress over not playing well.. It ended of well with a dinner that i really enjoyed..

Lastly, i jus wanna say things of the past are really not things i concern myself over, cause wad has happenned has happened and its useless to reflect upon something that has past and no opportunity for us to change anything.. U can choose to talk bout it and i will still listen, but pardon me for my quietness when talking bout the past. My stand is that the future is wad is in our hands and that is wad really matters.. Be foward looking and everything would seem better!! Kkz its time for work.

Etude

2008-04-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

Once again distracted from studies, this time bout something i read that really moved me to tears.. It really reminded me of the rationale behind all i am doing now.. Wad is band to us? Is it jus a CCA to us? If so y are we all still putting in so many effort into it in the first place? Y would ppl stick to band for 6 years-10 years if it is jus a CCA? We are a band, a group of ppl who share the passion in music making. Due to lack of time, the concern we have nowadays is always whether we sound nice, whether we performed the articulations well enough or if we are playing at the correct dynamics and timing. In order to achieve this i lost wad i always believe in. The "feeling" for music, the emotional stimulus of congeniality is now totally out of my mind. But that should not be the case. To put it bluntly, this will be the last time many of us will be ever playing in band. In other the last time many of us will be touching the instrument we held on ever since we began our journey in band. To others, it will be the last time we will be playing with this combination of ppl in the band. We want it to be great, but we can nv expect that to be reflected in music of professional standard. This is so as we are not professionals, jus students where study is our core and band is our interest. Yet quality of music can still be shown. This quality in our music is not how well our technicality is but how much our enjoyment is reverberated. This will only be present only if we truly enjoy the process of music making. Lets base our practice on it and let the audience of Etude 33 feel our joy and love for band. Yup, jus like wad i read, lets leave this band with a great performance that shows how much we enjoy ourselves over these past few years. Let it be a reminiscence of all the good memories we have in band and not an additional stress we have for ourselves. Lets do it for all the friends we make because of band and for all the fun we had all these while. Let us play music, not any other music but our very own NJCSB music.

Now that everything is back, its time i take a step foward and bring my music up to a whole new level of excellence. I had wondered a few weeks ago if my playing has peaked, maxed out beyond my stamina and ability. Now i realised the reason for stagnation. I had forgotten how to feel for the music, how to invoke my emotional interpretation within wad i play. I have forgotten to have fun when playing and that is so wrong! I am sorry for wasting so much time on the wrong thing. Allow me to show how much i love the band and how much i enjoy the company of everyone in the band. I am now determined to reflect all my love in my music from today on and display it in this very last school concert i will ever have. Everybody who reads this, join me in this pursuit and find success from here on!

ONE BAND, ONE SOUND!!

sacrifice and being myself

2008-04-24T22:24:00.001+08:00

Hmmm, i know i should really be studying, but there are jus some things i have to say, and the distraction aroused is too much for me to focus if i do not channel it somewhere.

Firstly, i jus wanna say that in actual fact the pros and cons of sacrifice is a very very fine line. I refuse to make a judgement, neither do i want to say anything because i would rather choose to give my trust and not have doubts than to misjudge due to my own personal perceptions. I am rather confused, but whether the rationale behind this is going to be told, i do not really care. I jus hope that we are sure of ourselves and i will be happy. Forgive me for doing this but i really do not know how to put these into words, cause any attempt to ask is actually a sign of not trusting, something which i do not want to do. Haiz, sometimes i feel I am jus a worried soul and nothing else.

Secondly, in life there are simply so many impt things that i am beginning to leave out, masked by all the stress and efforts to do well, i am losing myself into a world of deterioration.. I really hope i am not beginning to retrograde. Its time i start reminding myself to always help someone in need, to believe that a cup is always half full and nv half empty, that we should believe in ourselves that we can accomplish anything, to remain composed in troubled times, to do wadever we believe in and to everything and everyone i have. Yup!!

Etude

2008-04-21T00:20:00.002+08:00

It been sometime since i blogged, but life had been busy.. However, it seems to be easier to get through than before due to several factors.. Everyone out there in the same situation as me, hang on ok? Its difficult to juggle several things at a time but its possible.. Lets us work a way out together.. Common tests, Etude and all other involvements are all part and parcel of things we must be prepared to go through. As for how i am doing, i am fine.. I am sometimes very demoralised by certain things, but is happy in general. Able to get through school well and catch up with everything a little better than others.. Thus i should be in fact quite satisfied. Last but not least, i wanna tell someone that i am really thankful for ur efforts to make me happy these few days.. It really helps!!

All these aside, everybody please support!!
ETUDE 33
Victoria Concert Hall
7.00pm

Songs played:
Of Sailors and Whales
Riverdance
Global Variations
Danza Sinfonica
Jazz Suite

Life and diff

2008-04-02T23:26:00.002+08:00

Life is never a easy path to take. We will nv be able to make it a path of success from head to toe. Neither will we be able to maintain happiness throughout unless we are mentally insane. In addition, there will also be obstacles to excite our otherwise monotonous life, to bring some light to the otherwise black and white pathway to nirvana. When this happens, our results might fall occasionally and our mood might swing into desperation and depression at times, but deep inside, we must tell ourselves that these are part and parcel of life. These are stepping stones towards greater success and not a deterence. Accept the mistake, reflect upon it, learn from it and move on. Staying at one point only causes us more trauma and no improvement. Deep inside, we know that sacrifices has to be made to keep things together. However the problems lies in the fact that we often choose not to sacrifice many things and thus impose unnecessary trouble upon ourselves. Finally, it all comes down to one word, sincerity. Its something that will be there no matter good or bad, rain or shine. Other things such as fun and joy are jus a small fragment and if that is wad we are looking for, nothing will ever last. The only trait able to weather these is our sincerity. If wad we do is something worth our concern over, whether joy or despair, we will still treat it with equal importance. I am sure thats how everyone feels. Do not be affected and let things work itself around as we discuss this together. I am now filled with fear after hearing wad i heard today. Hmmm, hopefully i will receive some assurance and calm me of the apprehension tmr.. Pls dun let wad i fear come true or i am going to become someone beyond even my own imagnation.. So pls nv allow it!! Learn to heed advices and everything will be fine.. This is a promise!

Rmb a piano keyboard is made of both white and black keys. Let the white one be our happiness and the black ones be our unhappiness. Thus, no matter wad we mus rmb that both black and white keys and make music and serves its purpose. I.e, no matter wad happens, we mus try to rmb that all this is part of life. May all be smooth, may results improve and may we be healthy.

KKX, thats all i wanna say.. Nitezz!!

Life now

2008-03-30T21:55:00.001+08:00

Argh!! I hate that person!! It is jus so ironical.. Am i suppose to thank him for returning all my impt documents after taking my wallet and my money.. This is jus so wrong.. Lost my wallet a few days ago and lost almost all my identification documents.. Few days later, i received a letter with everything except my cash, wallet, cashcard and money.. I am suppose to thank him for stealing my stuff, jus because he returned me the items he doesnt want.. Its jus so stupid.. Now wad leaves my heart aching is that wallet in which i liked so much.. Hmmm, i mus find and buy back the same one no matter wad!!!

Impending common test, upcoming intensive etude preperations, pre u sem activities.. Hmmm, the future looks stressful for me. I wonder if i can hang on through everything.. Jus read an email and realised many things said inside was so true.. Hmmm, perhaps sometimes we jus get played into the hands of fate when we ourselves do not realise.. I have to start planning for many things and its time i begin before its too late.

Finally, SPA is coming to an end.. Now wads left is the final Skill A for both sciences.. It might be short for others, but to me its ever so long and i have long grown sick of the feeling.. Sounds so stressful.. Haha.. But in actual fact i have long numbed myself to certain things that it no longer have any effect on me..

I wonder y, but perhaps because of a few special reason, i am looking foward to the end of As though it is still so far away.. I wonder how i will be like after i complete As.. Life afer JC is jus too attractive, especially after so many things that happened recently gives me an even better reason to look foward to finishing exams.. To ppl who read my blog to see how i am doing now, i am doing fine.. In fact fantastic and i am leading an extremely happy life.. Hope all of u are the same!! =P

NIE Concert

2008-03-24T01:50:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, i can imagine the angry stare of the few ppl who will ask me to go sleep if they see me typing this entry, but yup i am jus too high and excited and have to get this entry out by today.. Today was NIE concert and i am really happy.. The joy is not because of a successful concert. In fact, this is the most screw ups i ever had in concert in my life so far but happy that so many of my friends were around me.. Especially the few close friends i hold so close to my heart.. I really appreciated them for coming to this concert jus because i am playing in it.. They are ppl that i really cherish and their presence makes my performance itself so much more meaningful.. Thanx so much to all of u!! One big regret is perhaps of the fact that my name is not in the programme booklet. Other than that, i am very happy with today's concert.. I am sure the few other ppl whom i hoped to see are there jus that i did not get to meet them.. But nv mind i am maybe not lucky to it..

Post concert celebration was vibrant, had a lot of jokes and had fun eating at carl's junior, where kak's lameness caused everyone to not feel warm though we are seating in the non-air conditioned area.. Lol.. Then it became even more special after that as it is something that changes this concert from a normal one to something worth rmb for life.. Wad izzit i shall not mention cause those who should know will already understand till this point.. It was really special and the feeling is somehow diff from the other outings.. Hmmm.. Haiz, too bad the curse of the white shirt on me is still there and i am getting v v annoyed with myself..

Hmmm, as for presents, thanx cindy for ferrero rocher and letter, chao xiang and gang for choc, fiona for flower and my section for the rose.. Of course there are other presents that i refuse to reveal and these are very special ones that i rather jus keep to myself..

Thanx to everyone for everything.. U all really made my day and i am really grateful.. And of course special mention to someone who jus brightened my day till i am so high now..

Kkz, thats all for now.. I will be killed if i continue.. Go sleep already.. Phew, NIE concert over, school's beginning.. Time to go back to work!!

Frustration bout scandal

2008-03-17T19:31:00.002+08:00

Frustration overwhelms me.. I really do not know wad to tell them.. Sometimes, things are often obvious yet they still pester u for it.. This can really annoy ppl at times. I chose to ignore, but the constant reminder of the topic really makes me wanna scream.. Haizz.. Is sensitivity to others really something so difficult to achieve??

I had been thinking bout this for the whole day.. Sometimes i jus wonder if i am doing enough.. Maybe i think too much, but it seems as though u often have a sense of insecurity within.. I know i should tell u bout it but i jus dunno how to put it into words.. So i decided to put it here knowing u will read it.. Maybe i am jus not doing enough things to make u happy and i should really be guilty for that.. If u want the answer to y i was acting a little wrong today, i think this would most probably be it.. I am jus so useless, often failing to make u happy and in a few occasions was also the root of ur unhappiness.. Saying that i want to protect u yet still often letting u face the wrath of things head on.. I am an idiot.. I should really be doing more for u, then perhaps u would be even happier and have lesser mood swings.. Maybe u will oso be able to focus more on ur work after this too.. STUPID JIAHAO!! I should really learn to be more sensitive.. Sorry and i promise i will try to do even more for you.. Really really sorry..

CAr

2008-03-17T01:03:00.002+08:00

I had been asked a question today and simply i must say i am quite suprised to hear it.. I sensed a doubt in my ability to differentiate wad exactly i want.. Its not anger nor izzit unhappiness.. Jus find it weird that someone would think that i might possibly make a wrong choice out of impulse.. But all i have to say is that i only do things after great considerations and only accept things i can handle.. I know wad i am doing and i am very very sure.. Yup..

Secondly, though apparantly oblivious, i am still worried bout u.. I dunno y but i simply find u very fragile, frustrated over small matters and occurances.. U might not want to be dependent, but i feel u are not ready yet.. Let me be there to embrace u and protect u till one day u can face the storms urself k? One day u will be able to, but till then i will always be there for u to lean on and hide ur face in.. U are too precious to me and i will not let u get into any harms way.. Pls dun be eager to fly!! I will let it go when its time, but till then i will have my arms around u and block off all obstacles..

Last but not least, u really gave me a very bad scare.. I am totally shocked and stunned when u said something like that.. Pls dun do it again cause i will be very affected.. Any problems look for me straight and it should be fine.. Of course its good that ur day ended on a happy note!!!

Kkz.. Thats all and its time to slp.. School tmr!!!

Protecting car

2008-03-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

Now that everything is actually more or less open, i actually felt more relaxed.. Its a difficult process handling the shock everybody had, but its something that there is no point hiding.. So actually, though apparently i seem to want to hide, its glad to let it all out..

I do not know y, but I am seriously worried.. Its a feeling so different from the past.. From wad i see, everything done is a sign of ill-placed confidence.. Inferiority has caused many things to be given up upon and finally results in wad i see today.. However, u simply fail to realise how good u actually are and how much impact u would be able to make to the society.. I had nv been wrong so pls jus trust me on this.. Pls take care of urself more!! My worry would nv end unless one day u come to see urself in a better light.. I made the choice for a reason and i would not make a wrong choice.. I am a perfectionist when it comes to this and i know the decision i made is right.. U are now like a budding seedling, with the potential to grow into a majestic tree.. Yet, as a seedling u are unable to withstand the harsh conditions of the environment and thus limiting ur growth.. Therefore, till the day u learn protect urself, i shall be there to shield u from all external harm and stress, allowing u to grow and become stronger.. This is the thing that lingers in me these few days and not the individual occurances that happened.. Perhaps everything had grew too impt to me and resulted in this..

On a lighter note, i had a enjoyable day today.. Sorry if u realise i did or say many things that u might deem silly or irrationale, but wad i did is for a reason and that is to protect u, for ur own interest.. So stop resisting and jus accept will u? I had fun and really experienced alot today!! I am seriously touched by wad u have done for me and the sacrifices u made today.. That itself is enough to make me feel over the moon.. Wad i want is simple, for u to be happy.. Thats all i expect.. U dun have to do anything more than that.. Last but not least thank you to you and of course ur mum for EVERYTHING to show that u all care!!

Band camp

2008-03-14T11:37:00.002+08:00

My life has now a different outlook.. Everything around me seems so much brighter and regardless of where i am, i had never been happier.. Perhaps because of fear, i vocalised many opinions meant to be kept within me.. I want to make everything clear so that i can be sure that the correct choice was made and its not a moment of rashness that led to everything.. I am now very very sure and i hope that its a feeling that is not one sided.. Haiz, perhaps i think too much for my own good!!

Exhilirating!! That is the word i will use to describe band camp.. The reason behind is of course clear to those who knows and i shall not bother explaining further.. However, stupid me did many things that left me to regret and i am now very guilty for whatever i did.. I am very SORRY!! Indoor games were entertaining, exco games was well planned and music quiz had more or less a rather bonding effect.. Too bad the rain spoiled the outdoor games.. Hmmm, on the whole, it was a special camp.. And i really meant SPECIAL!!

Something Special

2008-03-08T23:14:00.004+08:00

Today is the 8th of March and y last entry was on the 5th of March. Yet within three days so many things had happened.. First, something special happened jus one day before the concert.. Its jus so strange how our mind works at times, but no matter wad, everything turned out fine in the end and that is wads important.. On concert day itself, almost all the band members were distracted from lessons.. Through lessons, we were jus waiting for school to end so that concert preperations can begin. Concert was not exactly an amazing one, with quite a few screw-ups here and there, but i was very happy.. I could feel that everyone is enjoying themselves so much and the spirit was there.. Yamato solo was ok, but ya not good ba.. I had greater expectations, but perhaps because of the exhaustion and injury on my lips, i was not able to push myself to perform at or even beyond my expectations.. It could have been worst, if not because of a suggestion by someone on how to play better and more emotionally.. Was very happy to see so many ppl whom i have not met for a long time! After concert was simply fun all the way.. Went out to eat and had lots of excitement and suprises for the whole night.. I was simply filled with glee that night and i could not rmb the last time i was truly so happy.. Only regret was that not many photos was taken.. Thanx to cindy for ur letter, thanx to my section for doing so well for the performances(it is the best performance NJ saxos had so far these past few years), thanx to all the J3 seniors for ur support, thanx to my NH juniors for ur support and flowers, to my NJ friends for ur chocs and to YX and jo for ur elephant choc..

However today was very bad.. I was late for the pre u sem meeting.. Afterwhich i was supposed to help in the revised proposal and had to stay back in school even longer.. Went back home late and slept for straight 4hrs.. When i woke up, i was very exhausted and when i stand, i would feel giddy, so i had to stay in bed all the way till now, blogging on my bed.. Haha.. Hopefully my day will end off well and i have a feeling it will!! =)

Last but not least congrats to all the NJCSB J3s for all having such fantastic and amazing results for As!! And thanx to that someone special for brightening up my life!!

2008-03-05T10:04:00.001+08:00

Its really amazing how technology has advanced nowadays.. I am actually now in school blogging with my phone.. I am truly stunned. Anyway, these few days had been tiring and my lips are totally dying. I am now jus hoping for the best thats all.. Hmmm, lastly, today might jus be the day.. Filled with apprehension, i do not know wad to expect.. But ya i am going to do it if the opportunity arises. Thats all for now cause i have to get back in lesson le.. Till next time!

THe wondrous relationshiip

2008-03-03T01:57:00.002+08:00

Hmmm, as i wander through my thoughts again, i begin to realise the diminishing of something i had held beyond my own imagination.. Its really amazing and funny how everything jus comes together.. Now, i have alot to think about, many considerations to make and plenty of decisions to set upon.. I hold many things dearly, yet will i lose some things in an attempt to gain others.. We i lose everything and cause me to fall back into that horrific labyrinth?? These are things i keep asking myself.. Now as the pressures build in school work, Ani-anime, stage band, NIE concert and band camp, i really have very little time to ponder through these thoughts, these leaves me the middle of the night such as now to think about such things.. Should i or should i not?? A difficult decision indeed!!

HAIZZ!! Today had been a very tiring day.. NIE prac played through the entire repertoire and reopened the already serious wound on my lips, causing it to bleed once more.. Did not had breakfast and struggled in the prac with an empty stomach.. After prac got news from dolly on the oboe problem and i ended up thinking of ways to solve it too.. Afterwhich, i was bombarded with words of "advice" from all directions.. So much that i simply got fed up and ignored everything.. Because of which, i missed dinner while staying in the room all day.. No one to talk to and no one to msg all my frustrations and it jus accumulated!! Hmmm, its strange how it has really became a habit and one day without contacting each other can cause so much discomfort to both of us.. Thankfully my day ended up on a better note as i was cheered up quite abit by a phone call.. I am really thankful for u sacrificing ur sleep jus to cheer me up.. Furthermore, the fact that u urself is sick and keep coughing over the phone shows that u are also sick.. Yet u refuse to give up until i sleep.. It helps me alot and calm my nerves down alot. I am feeling better now!! Work wise i have a long way to go so i better get back to it!!

unsure thots

2008-03-01T00:40:00.000+08:00

Fear is wad fills me now.. I am terribly afraid i am wrong.. Nothing seems to be able to reveal the answer and it really makes me think alot in many occasions.. Its not something that cannot be said, yet its something that i rather keep hidden in the shadows for it to uncover itself naturally.. Confirmations has been made time and time again, but i jus cannot believe it.. Maybe its jus beyond my comprehension at the moment..

Life in school now has turned quite rigid as the stress builds up.. It has stagnated back into the stage where everyday seems the same.. Its jus lectures, tutorials, tests, SPAs, sectionals and combined.. However, mine has been spiced up with the help of one and gives me something to look foward to. I am very thankful for that.. But pls take care of urself cause it should be clear that wad happens to u will affect me to some extent too..

NJ Ani-anime concert is coming and its really hard work practicing for all the songs.. Its not the songs itself that is diff but the techniques and expressions required of the piece.. Its going to be a good concert, but exactly how good i will not be able to tell as NJ is well known for its rate of last min improvement and our determination to do well.. Thats something to look foward to.. Hope for the best.. Anybody wants tix pls jus contact me!!

NIE concert is oso near.. Its on 23 March and i had jus been asked to go back to alto jus today.. This leaves me 6 prac to perfect my 10 plus pieces and 4 solos.. Thats sounds abit crazy but i am sure i will be able to do it..

Yup thats all for now.. Will update further another day.. Time to chase someone off to bed le!!! Haha..

Decision made

2008-02-22T15:34:00.003+08:00

One whole week, i had been without my com and my wireless network!! Now i am starting to appreciate the importance of info tech in today's world.. I cant imagine my life without internet and my phone.. I will die!!

So many things has happened this week.. However, the one thing that i had placed in consideration is now confirmed.. I can now firmly say that yes that it is true.. This was concluded after a series of intensive socratic questioning and analytical thinking.. Hmmm, its truly an amazing twist of event.. Haiz, life is jus so unpredictable at times.. I am so glad that my decision has proven itself to a smart one..

Okok, nite hike followed by CNY gathering at mr ho house and then reunion dinner.. Hope i will be able to make it and pull true.. I am hoping for the best.. Hope i can last the whole day..

Seeing some light

2008-02-17T13:13:00.007+08:00

After thinking for an entire night, i seemed to have made a choice.. All i need now is a confirmation and my mind would be set.. How in the world will i be able to do it i do not know.. It has perhaps been guilt and gratitude that has tied me down.. Comparison has been made by me over the whole night and i realised something in which i was shrouded before by simple acknowledgement.. I have seen silly ppl, but perhaps this is the most i have seen in one situation.. All i need now is to find someone to make sure i made a correct choice.. I realised similarities and spontanity are wad is most impt, something i failed to realised, once again because i was distracted by a stupid thought.. U might say i changed my mind quickly, but the fact is that i do not know wad my mind is thinking.. I have once said that i will only go for things i am sure of and not jump into anything i have no confidence in.. Perhaps, that one unknown fact to me is helping me clear the light.. Hmmm, as this complicated inside world of mine start to unwind itself, maybe i have simply focused too much on the things so distant that i missed out things that are most impt yet presented in front of me.. Haizz!! I am so bothered by this, in fact more bothered than the previous worry i had.. I will seek to discover and hopefully this moron would make a choice that is right at the very end..

This would perhaps be the last time i blog for this week as i would be staying in Jalan Bahar for the remaining of the week and today is perhaps the last day i would get to come back to my Yew Tee house.. My poor laptop and bed, pls dun miss me.. Hopefully, i will have cleared everything by the next time i blog.. Till then, i will hope for the best..

Spas n moron??

2008-02-16T21:59:00.004+08:00

I am extremely confused and stressed up now.. Today, i was shocked by a fact i did not realise until today.. I do not know wad happened to my usual sensitivity, but this is something i did not expect or sense up till today.. Now that its brought up to me, i am beginning to see wad u mean.. It has happened to me before and the signs are extremely similar.. Now, the knot in my heart has tangled up even more, leaving me in an extreme state.. I could not focus on my dinner jus now and its bothering me so much that i cant seem to get it my mind off it.. Its not ur fault, so dun blame urself for telling me.. In fact, i am glad that u told me about this!! Perhaps if i discover it any later, i would have became a dead knot.. After much thinking i realised a decision mus be made soon and i can no longer afford to wait like i did before.. Hesitation would only results in more worries and problem.. Its time to be decisive, or it will hurt far too many. To cherish wad is present in front of me or to pursue something intangible. I considered for very long and realised that both has its merit, but the problem now is myself.. Wad izzit that i really want?? I do not want the decision to be a wrong and impulsive one.. Yet, it mus be done fast.. Stressed!! To the person who told me, if u are reading this, pls keep this to urself for the moment.. U should understand why.. I am sorry but i still need a little more time.. I promise i will and MUST figure it out soon and make things clear in the end.. By then, wadever is the decision, i will have no regrets. My initial unsure has now evolved into total delusion. I pray it will not sink any deeper or it will be another few weeks of mental torture for me..

Haizz.. Guess these few days i will be jus thinking thinking and thinking.. But to spas, dun worry, since i promised to find that two trombones, i will still find a way to do so.. So dun emo k? There will be a way out in the end..

Lastly, to the one who told me about the two shocking news today, jus wanna say congrats to u for 'u know wad', in case i do not have the mood to do so after that!!

Words of others affect me

2008-02-14T23:48:00.002+08:00

It is amazing how words of one person can actually affect someone. It is so shocking that it is simply magical how everything sets in. Inspiration and knowledge is wad i recieve and the effect of it perhaps overwhelms those of wad the many others say. On the other hand, loss of sleep and mood might occur if words of taboo had been mentioned. Circumstances has proven this correct and I now realise how deeply i have sank in. Guess the new pillar has been rebuilt upon that of the old!!

Anw, all these aside.. HAPPY V DAY everybody!! Though still pestered by the thought that has been in my mind for these day, but my mood has been kept up because of the things that happened today.. So i am really thankful.. Thanx YX for all ur nice and touching msges, thanx retard for ur present, thanx idiot for ur choc, thanx mei for ur such a cute pig and to the rest of my friends for all ur sweets, chocs and flowers. Eh lets see, oh and thanx spas for the entertainment with ur funny actions and motivating me by getting full marks for maths!!?? Haha.. All of u made my day and made me really happy..

I was thinking alot jus now.. Sitting on my bed, i was reflecting alot on wad i want.. I am confused, so confused that i no longer know wad izzit that i am looking for.. I keep saying that i am happy at wad i have now.. But yet, i am ever hoping for more.. Is this a form of greed?? I really do not know.. Continuosly, i am thinking about it.. I know i should be doing something, but i am not where sure on how to start.. Till then it shall be on my mind day and night.. Hmmm, lets jus have fate decide the next step ba!!

Life now, horrible me

2008-02-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

A seemingly impossible stunt is accomplished today as we carried a tuba, a eupho, a trom, two clarinets and a flute from NJ to band world for repair today.. I cant believe that it was even possible.. Depite my horrible mood, managed to have a few laughs with Eng Kwan and the gang of dance ppl as they were jus too funny..

Haizz.. I am such a horrible person.. Sorry to my friends if u felt ignored today.. Its jus the many things that are affecting me are abit too much for me to handle at the moment.. STUPID STUPID ME!! Its all my fault and i am so sorry about it.. Maybe i shouldnt have said so much that day.. Perhaps i would not be in the state i am in.. Not able to sleep well and in totally no mood to chat.. I am so evil to make my friends worry once again, so pls forgive me..

On another note, I was taken aback today by a consoling fact.. Its prove of the significance of me and the a confirmation of the understanding that i was unsure about.. Perhaps the delusion has cleared a little.. It now only leaves one question in my mind.. The one thing in which i do not know how i will ever figure out.. Confusion is wad shrouds me now and it really strikes me hard day after day.. Its jus so irritating to be sitting on the fence and waiting for a miracle.. Yet that is all i can do at the moment.. Everything is now etched to deeply in me to be erased.. WHICH PATH SHALL I TAKE!!?? I am really scared as a wrong step will result in a lifetime of regret and possibly another emotional trauma.. However, i am really thankful for everything as the impact on my life is so extensive that my very presence now is the result of a persistant effort.. My gratitude is beyond the description of words, so let me do it via actions!!

Ok, i mus go force myself to sleep.. I cant afford to have so little sleep now.. GO TO SLEEP MORONIC JIAHAO!!! Argh!!!

Emoing again??!!

2008-02-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

I thot i was ok, but in fact i am still very sensitive.. I tried very hard to control, yet the moment i recall everything that happens, i am thrown into a state of distraught.. I tried my best to hide it, yet it constantly emerges and leaves me behind in ruins.. Its nobody's fault but mine.. If anyone was to be blamed, it would be me for not being able to control my emotions.. In actual fact, these are things i would normally jus hide inside me.. Yet i actually told everything.. Perhaps its because we are now such close friends that i find no restrictions in speech anymore.. Hmmm, i am now very flustered, not knowing wad to do.. I tried diverting my frustrations into my instrument, both my saxophone and piano.. Yet all i seem to create was jus noise pollution.. With my senseless playing and inferior capabilities, i am jus there to annoy others.. Haizz.. Forgive me if i do anything offensive, but i promise i will try my very best to not spoil the mood of others.. Hmmm, its amazing how a short moment like that spent on recalling the past could have such drastic effects.. Argh!! I am jus hopeful that i would be able to go to sleep tonight.. However, i am highly doubtful.. Haizz!!

But nonetheless, i am still a blessed person, with such an exciting life, great friends, an undying passion and a hope that i cling dearly to.. I am really thankful for all this.. Sorry to my friends for ignoring all ur msg jus now cause i am not in the mood to reply.. Very very sorry!!

Day b4 CNY school reopen

2008-02-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

After one more night, i am once again back at home.. Signs show that we might have to move there for a long stay, perhaps a few weeks, perhaps a few months.. Haizz.. Imagine no wireless for one month!! I will faint man!!

I am starting to get sick of that brazen and conceited attitute.. All talk and no action.. Since u are doing nuts, why not jus dun bother acting.. Its flagrant to us.. Say wad u are unhappy about and sort everything like a civilised and mature person.. Stop the dependency and be someone i can respect.. Pls.. Hmmm, i cant believe i am saying this.. Its not right, but i cant stand it anymore..

Its a two directional decision.. I cannot choose, neither do i dare to choose.. Perhaps the reason i am willing to state the problem to others now is because i want to have a third person's opinion on the matter.. I might be thinking too much, but i seem to not be able to find a concensus between my mind and body.. Haizz.. Forgive me for always being burdened by problems, but its not within my control.. Haizz.. I mus make a decision soon, now that everything is at the brink.. I will either win it or break it.. Stressed stressed stressed!!

Haizz, all the problems apart, I will most prob be a busy man for the next few months.. Band concerts to prepare (in fact 3), Pre-U Seminar, school work, leisure and not forgetting exams.. I will have filled up my time to the brim.. So pls book me early if there is an outing or something of the sort.. Of course, special priviledge is given to the few ppl who play an ever so impt role in my life now..

Hmmm, speaking of which, spas and i came up with a theory.. HP gang has now become such a impt part of our life now that we are no longer able to not think about each other even though we are not meeting.. When retard was sick, school did not seem normal.. There was no incentive to stay in school and we both left home early that day.. The day i was not in school, i was told it was also v weird in school. Few days ago, retard went to Malaysia, so no choice could not contact her and we got worried and missed her super lots.. Lol.. Then an agreement was made when both spas and i found ourselves extremely restless when we nv talk and there is nobody there to joke around with.. In the end we ended up calling each other.. Haha.. Think cause we meet each other first thing in the morning and right before we go home every day that we are now so used to it.. Haizz.. This is bad bad bad.. What will happen when band life ends.. Hope we will still stick together!! Hmmm, and one thing i mus mention.. I am still clinging onto the small little hope that one day, the last member of the gang would return.. That would be something i would cheer about and celebrate by letting off fireworks!! Haha..

Happy CNY

2008-02-08T23:57:00.000+08:00

OH, FORGET TO WISH EVERYBODY A HAPPY PROSPEROUS ENJOYABLE & MOUSY CNY!!

Anw, sometimes a single thought can have drastic consequences, especially if it has to do with our thinking.. I only want one thing now!! And i think only a few can guess it right!! Argh, i am going mad bout it!!

Two days of isolative return

2008-02-08T23:45:00.000+08:00

Haizz.. After two days in the ulu condo at boon lay, i am finally back at home with my laptop and the most amazing invention in the world.. WIRELESS NETWORK!! Haha.. Its really like in jail, with no access to the outside world at all.. Going to the nearest shopping centre from there takes a long walk and there are no familiar buses around at all.. Luckily, i had my phone with me and is still able to make a few calls.. Haha.. Luckily i had a drunkard who entertained me last night with all the rubbish.. Haha cant wait to hear her sing.. Lol.. It jus feels so good that i am back home..

The mood in this Chinese New Year had not been there for me throughout these few days.. Yup, there is no longer the usual bustle and jus feels like a break from school and work.. There is jus too many things to worry about for me and my family, so the mood is totally gone.. Seriously, i am green with envy.. Those who are really enjoying ur Chinese New Year with all ur family this year, cherish it.. Family time is impt, yet hard to come by.. Embrace it and make full use of it.. Hopefully the remaining two days can have a change of feel and i will truly make this year's lunar new year meaningful..

Hmmm some ppl are jus so insensitive to others, if u are not happy, jus say it.. Y go around suspecting and inspecting everyday.. If u rather not be the one to sacrifice ur sleep, then let us sacrifice our sleep.. Someone has to sacrifice anyway, for the sake of love.. Yet, u jus simply stand in the way and cause so much trouble.. Do u think we like it so much.. NO!! NO WHERE NEAR!! We are jus doing it bcos no other ppl are willing to.. If u want to take over, by all means.. Then we can relax and truly enjoy this Chinese New Year..

Haha.. A sign of relieve.. Retard is ok now, doing well in Malaysia and enjoying herself, playing with kids??!! Haha.. I can really imagine!! Retard is reminiscing her childhood!! Lol.. Yup.. Thats very good news!! At the very least, one less worry is gone now..

I am very tired now, day and night its still in my brain, that one thought.. To make matters worst, i am constantly reminded by ppl and events.. The fact that i am cooped up in that warm, isolated and monotonous place makes my imagination run even further than usual.. Haiz, i wonder when will i really lose control and burst everything out.. Hopefully not, i really hope not!!

Lastly, alot of ppl had been guessing wad is my actual meaning in my previous blog entry.. U had ur guesses, many guesses in fact, yet i all deny.. Wad i can say is that while most of u are wrong, there is one who got wad i was thinking right by simply reading my entry.. Forgive me for denying too cause i am not ready to tell yet.. I do not know y, but there is one who knows more then me, much more in fact.. So much that i felt a tinge of jealousy from it.. There is still a restrictive barrier set up and even though after much attempts i am still unable to disable it.. I really wish to know wad in the world is happening.. I am prepared for the worst, yet i am hoping for the best.. Its really such a dilemma.. Perhaps i should really make it clear soon!! The question is: "Should I or Should I Not!!" Someone pls enlighten me!

** Pls forgive me for my lost of self-control.. I have lost control of my emotions.. Hmmm, this is really not in my control anymore.. I am jus following my heart and basic rationale.. I am clear of wad i want, but confused with how to get it!!

My two worries

2008-02-06T01:22:00.000+08:00

Strangely, the core of my life, my academic work has now became the least of my concern.. Shrouded by so many other problems, this really becomes insignificant.. Furthermore, perhaps due to experience in handling and the setting in of adaptation has resulted in something that is not a cause for concern.. Excelling is no longer a problem and its more or less simple.. Hmmm, sometimes i really do not know whether i should be happy or sad over it.. School has became simple, tutorials are easy as my work is all done and most are correct.. Car remains as spas as ever and nv fails to entertain with her funny action and speech

Something has been bothering me constantly, and the worst thing is that it has no news up till today.. I am very worried how everything is turning out now.. Its so diff to predict and many things can happen under such a volatile situation.. Hopefully news would come soon and it would be something good.. Hope for the best and lets pray hard that nothing has happened before the beginning of Chinese New Year.. If not it would really become a trauma and a bad memory for the years to come.. Jiayou and all the best.. Hope u are taking good care of urself and hope to hear from u soon.. I have said it once, i shall say it again, some things are jus not within our control.. So we can really do nothing but to go on with life.. However, we will always be there supporting u from behind!!

Another realisation is that our actions are really testaments of how we truly feel.. No matter how i put it in words to deny it verbally, actions still reflect how i truly feel and i can really no longer hide it within me.. Its getting obvious as everything i do revolves around it.. As tested, i feel very nervous when it comes to that one mystery i have been trying to uncover since weeks ago.. Conversations have been suspiciously worrying and actions are extremely similar to wad i fear most about.. Its something i hesitate about, fearing to know about the truth i do not wish to hear, yet the curiosity and want to know simply overwhelms me.. Haiz.. Do u see it?? Do u feel it?? It should be quite obvious actually, from the actions and things said.. Claims are simply made invalid in the actions, as my heart now thinks otherwise.. Haiz i am very confused and i can seriously only hope.. I now regret my promise, but i have to keep it unless things turns the other way back.. Pls pls pls!! Life is really meaningless if this fails to turn out well.. I jus need a few words and my life will change, but that can only come if wad i feel is a reflection of the actual fact.. Haizz.. Life is nv easy..

Guess this will be the last time i blog for sometime since i am moving to a Boon Lay Condo to stay for sometime, and there should be no wireless network there.. Will blog if there is, but if no then too bad.. Hmmm, hopefully this will not make transport to and fro school more diff..

My heart is objecting

2008-02-04T22:29:00.000+08:00

It is confirmed today as i am seriously bothered by it.. Its time i should jus face the fact.. It is now clear to me wad is most impt.. I am sure, yet not ready.. Thus its really a dilemma.. Appearing calm while my heart violently objects is nv a easy task.. Hope fate would allow wad i want to come true.. Its jus one silent moment, yet the impact is so great that its beyond my comprehension.. SIMPLY, I DUN WANT THAT, BUT HAVE NO RIGHT TO OBJECT!! Haiz, sometimes i jus regret what i said, but perhaps it is all too late to make amendments already.. What i can do is only to hope for the best!! =(

Stress

2008-02-03T21:26:00.000+08:00

Perhaps the pressure has began to build.. Its really an irony, when stress begins to accumulate upon the nearing of a 4 day long holiday.. SPA, tons of work and tests.. They are really things not easily juggled.. Not forgetting the one thing i love most, BAND!! How did things turn out this way.. Jus a few days of relaxation can have drastic repurcussions!! I guess i mus really force my way back now that i am behind.. Hmmm, how is life going to turn out for the next two days?? Its a mystery and hopefully all will be well..

Anw, my mum told me something that really stunned me today.. We were at this shop when i saw this shirt i liked and told her bout it.. Yet, she said NO!! Naturally i asked her the reason y.. And wad she replied was, "Everytime i buy clothes for u, u will wear them.. So no!!" Haha.. I was blurred and confused for a moment, as if time froze itself.. If i dun buy clothes to wear, wad do i do with them.. Lol.. My mum can be so funny at times.. HAHAHA!!

Thinking back, sheer luck has brought many things to me.. By a moment of coincidence, i changed the kind of memories i will have in my life.. Over a short simple night, i built up a relationship that lasted all the way till this very day.. Due to meer fate, i understood the importance of life and identified the few that were of such great importance to me in my life.. A simple occurance resulted in the knowledge of a relationship so complex that i am not able to decipher and put it into words fully up till today.. This is my life, a life of random happenings.. Maybe its not only me, but everybody.. However, wad i know is that the pure acquaintances that transformed into characters of such significance can be simply jus a random assortment of the population, yet the cherishing and appreciative mindset that i have is the determining factor.. Hints have been dropped in the form of confirmations and dreams and its time i make the move.. Its time for me to take a step foward and protect wads impt to me.. Its time to revolutionise my life!!

Jordon Shoes

2008-02-02T23:45:00.000+08:00

I sometimes wonder if it is me who think too much, but for more then a few times i sense anomaly in a few ppl's behaviour.. The diff is not obvious yet sometimes it jus sets me worrying that something is really wrong with them.. In fact i was so worried that in the 3 plus hours sleep jus now, i was dreaming of these ppl.. I do not wish for all of you to be depressed.. I am one who will be very affected by such stuff.. Yup so if i am rite, cheer up and take care.. If not, perhaps i have been too sensitive, so jus ignore me..

As i walk through West Mall today (again), i bought my new wallet and saw a shirt that is very nice.. However, i am still under consideration whether anot i should buy it.. However, wad was most obvious was a longing.. I was distracted by many things and i was constantly looking around.. I no longer understand myself and y am i doing so, but i feel as if i am expecting something.. I was hopeful and inclined towards the occurances around me.. Perhaps this is jus a deceptive occurance, yet this is something i refuse to concur with.. This is so as i am quite sure i am not.. Perhaps it is a past shadow, or a recent spectrum of hope that i long for.. Haizz.. Once again i will have to sigh and say that i do not know what is going on within me..

Anw all this aside, today i had a horrifying experience!! I wore my Air Jordon shoe and everyone was trying to torture it.. Sad rite?? I had to chase pris and sher yan out of the band room to prevent them from abusing my shoe.. But each of them still managed to get their feet in my shoe.. When i finally got it back, pris told me that actually theresa and daniel played with my shoe jus now.. Oh my goodness!!! Then, for the rest of the prac, i left my shoe beside my chair already.. Afterwhich, i was under the constant fear when spas and retard continuosly wanted to step on my shoe!! Haha..

Lastly, i would jus wanna say that my life now is full of hope and happiness.. Its not because i am having a very easy life and everything is going smoothly for me, but because i have a group of friends who can simply make me smile when i think of them.. They have made life easier to pass and obstacles simpler to cross.. They make my life exciting and vibrant, giving me suprises day after day.. This really motivates me as have new expectations day after day.. This was vastly in contrast to the monotony in life i had before.. I look foward to meetings with them and gets very high when with them.. Lol.. Yup so i am very very thankful for that..

** Hopefully everything in my family will be resolved soon.. I am rather bothered over everything.. So ya, hope everything will return to normal soon..

Up and down life in school

2008-01-31T22:45:00.000+08:00

Today, my life was full of ups and downs.. First, was the fact that i found out that i can wear the socks with all the music notes on it.. It looks small but i could actually wear it!! I was so so excited and motivated me to chiong tut today.. Following was lisa's visit to NJ.. Though she did not stay long, its good to see a friend whom i have not met for so long again.. Haha.. So, i was happy.. Following on, i brought my jacket to morning assembly, but stupidly hanged it on the railings behind the hall and went for lessons without it.. Furthermore, before i hanged it there, i was joking with my friends that i might jus forget bout it and walk off.. Thats so stupid and really spoiled my mood a little.. Afterwhich, Mrs Lim talked to me and offered to help me in econs and that cheered me up a little.. But then she told me she will not be around school for the whole of the next term and i lost hope again!! Lol.. Lessons went on as usual, and it really bored me.. But then came the return of Chem Test and my results cheered me up a little. However barely half an hour later, i realised i had PE today, but stupidly ate so much food during lunch and wore the wrong shoes to school.. I was so traumatised!! The shoes i wear is really not fit for long dist run and more full stomach made me scared to run too fast.. So, my mood dropped again.. Furthermore, someone mentioned to me a topic in which i refused to talk about for so long.. Sad sad sad is all i can say.. Haizz!! Went to band room after PE.. Had some fun with carmen there arranging the scores in the store and looking through the audition scores for the appeal students while practicing my vocal chords.. Haha. It was so so funny as i tried to sing the running notes and high notes in tune.. And like u expect, i was jovial again.. However, i realised the Singapore National Team players are here in NJ and i could not watch their full match because i have to go to the hospital with my mum.. And at the hospital, seeing my grandfather in this state really aches me and i feel really helpless as he suffers in pain on the bed while all i can do is look at him.. Haiz.. So i went into a depressed state again.. Luckily, my parents and aunts brought me to eat a nice dinner at Lucky Plaza and so brought my mood up a little.. After such a day with such emotional flunctuations, i am really tired now. I wanted to do my tutorials, yet i am too tired and so decided to do it in the weekends.. To me, all i want is to have a good night's sleep now!!

Hmmm perhaps many of u did not notice, but actually yesterday i was extremely happy and the atmosphere was brought foward to this morning until everything started happening.. Its nothing much to all of u, but its very significant to me.. Its jus three words i saw.. The initiative and pro-active effort inside made my day already.. In fact, maybe it was more obvious in the night when i was super high,, Maybe that is also y that Yamato solo was played well (according to retard they all) though i did not put much effort into phrasing nor planning for it.. The reason behind should be obvious.. If not, u can jus ask me personally and maybe i would tell u.. Jus maybe, lol..

Ok, i shall go have my beauty sleep now.. Lets hope two days of resting would not cause me to lag behind in work.. I will regret gravely!! Haiz.. There is jus too many considerations we mus make in life!!

Reflective blog

2008-01-29T22:33:00.000+08:00

Its really amazing.. I actually had almost 20 hours of sleep in one day!! And the time now is almost ten.. So how do u expect me to sleep tonight.. This is really bad.. Hmmm, hopefully i can fall asleep today.. If not i will really suffer in school tmr..

Anyway, i have noticed recently that my blog had been highly reflective of my emotional world in these past few months.. Maybe many of u find my content difficult to digest or understand, but perhaps u should know that this is all deliberate. Every entry writes about a story.. Things i want and things happening around me.. I am sure those who truly understands me would have realised that by now.. I know its highly inferential and takes up alot of brain cells as u need to guess what in the world am i saying.. However, for those directly involved in the events, u should be able to understand immediately.. Of course, there are a few ppl (in fact only one or two) who know me so well that u would be able to guess every single thing that is happening.. All i have to say is that the world within me now is much more complex than the Jiahao that is portrayed to the world.. On the outside is jus a playful, always happy and rationale person, but within is a complexity that even i myself is unable to decipher.. U might wonder y i am saying this.. The reason is to jus explain the question about my so-called "chim" entries.. The "chimness" is jus a msg that i wish to bring across to either one person or a few ppl, thus it is made difficult for those not involved to understand.. Yup, that is y wad i say seems clear to some while illogical to others.. If it is clear to u wad i am saying, the msg is meant for ur eyes.. If not all u can understand would be how i am feeling ba.. I hoped i did not bore any of u to the extreme, but i promise i will try to simplify my entries a little for the good of everybody.. Sorry everybody..

Yesterday, i met into something that really disgusted me. Something so gross that i cannot believe it is done by someone younger than me.. EWWWWW!! Its jus so diff to understand how the younger generation now is thinking.. Though i am oso not that old, i can already feel the age gap.. Wad they do is totally strange, illogical and weird to me.. Haizz.. Lao le lao le!! Hahaha..

Lastly, i would like to say that i am really looking foward to something.. Something so great and important to me that i am willing to sacrifice anything for it.. My studies, my leisure time and even perhaps my very own life.. U might wonder what has such great power and control over me, but the reason behind is really quite simple and innocent.. In fact, so simple that u might even find me stupid to give up my life for it.. Yet it means much more than u can ever imagine to me.. Its my moral pillar of support and an epitome of hope.. Its a life saver and place of great safety.. Its highly dependable and worthy of my total trust.. It sounds amazing and impossible.. Yet its true.. Hmmm, its jus very very important to me and is the thing i dream about day and night.. What exactly is it, its for those involved to understand and the rest to guess.. Haha.. Sorry for my imprudence, but i really cannot say..

Stupid Flu Bug

2008-01-29T16:36:00.001+08:00

I cant believe it that i jus fell sick jus like that. Its a sudden fever, a sudden shiver and i am jus stuck in bed for on whole day. It really sets me wondering y i am like that.. Perhaps it is not the fault of the virus but the fault of the mind.. The virus should most probably be opportunistic by nature and it is i that let it take over my body.. This is so as i had been rather overshadowed by a strong sense of longing these past few weeks, together with worrying thoughts and accumulating burdens upon me seriously seems to be the reason i lowered my body resistance. So that i can be sick, so that i can have a good rest before continuing.. In the day i would think about it and in the night i would dream about it.. There is jus no escape.. Haiz thank goodness i am feeling much better now.. Stupid flu bug that pestered me for so long, pls jus go away..

Thank you to my friends that msged me today.. Thanx for ur concern.. Thank u to the HP gang for msging and entertaining me, keeping me cheered up through my illness, thank you to my friends that sent me msges asking me to rest well and lastly to that one special friend who msged me and refusing to reply my msg from there on so that i will go and sleep.. Lol..

My Near Future

2008-01-27T22:36:00.000+08:00

A solemn judgement is made and we have to just accept it.. Humans are jus not built to deter such forces of fate, so its useless to fight against it.. Instead, lets save the energy and accept it as it is, not allowing it to affect our daily lives.. We will nv be left with nothing.. Everybody will have our respective beloved family, our especial friends, distinctive goals and innate talents to support us along when facing problems.. However, it is often the work of the mind that complicate things and hide the flagant facts within the shadows. Naysayers would probably find this exasperating, but the reason so is not because the ideas are untrue, but because you are adopting such a dubious attitude towards it. Its an undeniable fact that i am marred by the fact, but i know its jus useless to persist.. Jus let it be and continue with life. Only this way will we be able to attenuate the effects of all the weights imposed upon us.

Special thanks to HP gang, Kakeru and YX for being there to push me along when i face a downturn.. Ur company and encouragements are really helpful in building up this frial soul of mine, allowing it to truly experience wad is install for us in life and further my emotional development in the process. U have cheered me up when i was on the brink of tearing and pulled me up when i refused to get up after my fall.. Despite my irritating attitude at times, i was not ostrasised.. In fact, when so, all of u spent more effort into bringing me back and i am thankful for that..

From now on, i can foresee many problems waiting for me in the near future, events of magnitude strong enough to knock me into a series of depression and torture.. I will face them bravely, but i am quite sure i will not be able to so if alone.. To all my friends, forgive me if i have any peculiar change of attitude.. Believe me, i wont mean it and i will turn out fine in the end.. However, i will really be counting on all of u to bring fun into my life continuosly so as to breakthrough these emotional moments.. Of course, i will also hold on tightly to the one and only symptomatic of hope i have and seek to gain inspiration from there.. Please, do not let me live an ascetic life!!

Haizz!! There is jus so much work to be done and seems to be nv ending!! And to make matters worst, i am sick.. And i mean very very sick!!! Flu, cough, giddiness and headache.. I really should rest more already.. But no matter, there is a way out for everything.. We each have our lot in life and things will turn out fine in the end..

Split character

2008-01-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

As each day passes, the change in me becomes more and more flagant. I am beginning establish myself into an individual with a split character, adapting myself to the various situations. At work, in band and in studies, i am a solemn soul. Serious in wad i do, set high expectations, undertaking one challenge after another and a person of few words. Basically, it is a responsibility-driven attitude and analytical mindset of which nothing seems to be good enough. In other words, i am a perfectionist, wanting everything to be in as organised as possible. On the other hand, beyond all these seriousness lies a carefree, playful, jovial and random moron who simply loves to have fun. Within me, i know the things i do are very stupid and silly, yet the fun me and my friends gain out of each action i do overrides the temptation to stop being like that. Its really a very enjoyable and exciting to lead a life like that. These has began to develop into strong moral pillars of support of mine and everything is beginning to piece together. Perhaps this is coherent with the old adage. When we work, we work hard. However, when we play, we play hard too.

Next, to one particular friend of mine.. Perhaps u might be smiling and joking and playing along with us, i can feel the depression that is within u.. Ur actions are happy, but in ur eyes, i detected the strong emotions lingering within u.. However, i am elated to see such an optimistic outlook in you, able to take things by the stride and smile in front of us. But like i said, if u have any problems, jus feel free to approach me and bombard me with all ur worries, cause it really makes me happier that u trust me enough to tell me ur problems. Hopefully, our company has helped to lighten ur mood a little and not think bout all the unhappy things. Continue maintaining this mentality and u will soon feel much better.. Cheer up cheer up!! Jiayou ba!!!

Lastly i wanna mention my GP lessons yesterday, where i learnt about melapropisms. It is really fun and the identifications of such mistakes really gives each and everyone of us a good laugh. Words such as 'prosecuted' can be replaced with 'prostituted' and 'aesthetic can be replaced by 'ascetic'. It really changes the meaning of the sentence and the edited word would really give all of us a v good laugh.. Haha.. So i jus wanna share.. Go search for melaprops and help to tickle ur very own funny bone!!

Okok.. I AM V V V TIRED NOW!! I MUST GO SLEEP LE!! IF NOT WILL FAINT!! SO NITEX!!

Live life with a smile

2008-01-24T20:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes its really a wonder how life can change so drastically over a short period like that.. Small things can really accumulate into much larger problems and its really makes many ppl fall into a turmoil of thoughts and emotional disturbance. However, like i said its all a matter of the mind.. Nobody ever will feel that they are good enough for anything.. No matter how well we do, we will always feel there is room for improvement.. Jus relax and live happily.. Whether we are stressed, unhappy, jovial, angry or excited, life has to go on!! Jus take everything with a smile and continue our path foward.. Sorry if there was insensitivity in wad i do recently and i am very sorry if i spoilt the already bad atmosphere now.. Let ur mood relax and intertwine our lives back together.. Lets move on together and not be the parochial beings we are now.. Life should not be marred by horrid things, but motivated by the small things we possess.. Our passion, ppl around us, our dedication and our bright future ahead of us.. Life is short, so lets not waste it away by emoing, frowning and being grumpy!!

Live life simple

2008-01-22T22:56:00.000+08:00

Today, someone told me to jus simply live life as it is. Perhaps you are right. It is the simple things in life that makes us happy. Thinking too much often results in self pressure and stress!! Why should we care so much about the nebulous things in life?? We dun even know wad lies ahead of these. So why not jus ignore it and focus on the small things i possess now. Encouraging friends, close knitted family and the few close friends.. I should be a happy person, not the tensed up person i am now. Why up the ante for myself when i can choose not to?? Maybe my worry is jus too much for my own good.. Like you said, i should jus learn to let go and take things by the stride, given the fact that i cannot do much.. What is most impt is for me appreciate wad i have now.. There is no recompensation for my worries, so dun do it!!

To end off, to that special someone who enlightened me with this simple logic, thank you very much and i really appreciate all ur concern.. And i mean REALLY.. Thanx alot and seeya.. Nitex!!

Reflction of life

2008-01-21T23:50:00.000+08:00

Life is a difficult path.. We are nv allowed to havr the best of the both worlds.. As we gain some things, we will tend to lose things too.. Jus as i found new goals in life, true ppl i trust and success in academic areas, i began to lose my direction.. Its really an oxymoron.. I seemed to have lost the spontanity i once had and the ability to achieve things beyond my own imagination.. As the challenges come along, i am really stumped.. But guess its part of growth that we learn to balance out all aspects in life, to reach a mental, moral, intellectual and aesthetic equilibrium. As we mature, its really part and parcel of our development.. Moderation of stress, optimistic thinking and analytical abilities are skills we need to equipped with sooner or later in life.. So y not now?? Jus let loose ourselves and not be concerned with comments of others.. Thats the way we should lead life.. All we need to know is that we are responsible in wad we do and we are not doing anything against our concious. That is enough.. Who cares bout wad others say about us?! Take everything with a smile and joke around with it.. Like the saying goes, whether we are happy or sad, life mus go on!! That is oso precisely the reason i choose to stay with the HP gang, cause it is with them where i can really relax and joke bout everything under the sun.. There is no need for restrictions and no need to be sensitive.. Take all good things happily and joke about the bad things.. It is with them i can regulate myself away from the standardisation of life.. Haha.. Guess i am jus too emotionally involved with things for my own good..

Finally, i would jus want to say something.. To that someone who has been feeling useless.. Its possible to make urself useful no matter how despondent u feel.. By choosing to come back and accept our help is already doing something useful as we will all be overjoyed.. Its the ability for us to help that makes us happy. Isolation of urself is far from making us happy.. Jus come back will you.. Join in the fun and perhaps ur meaning in life would be found!!

Okok.. The dark and fallen and its time to return to the comfort of my bed.. Nitexx!!! hahaha..

Stress by current situations

2008-01-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

Its a difficult process, to balance out a dilemma such as this. It takes much more then determination to handle such suggestive and volatile emotional circumstances. An apparant cheerful front may be a skin for the underlying sorrows. Similarly, apparant sorrow could also be jus a figment of imagination, shrouded by wad is simply untrue. Within us is a complexity that up till now science has been unable to explain and it is this complexity that varies all individuals and makes us unique. However, this is also the reason that makes us to be unsure of ourselves, as we seek to look for answers, to know ourselves better and understand our very own lives. Thus, when met into the brunt of the two situations, we no longer know which is the issue of consequence to face and what the possible repercussions will be. Perhaps this is the reason for the stress i am facing now. I really do not know wad to do in such a situation anymore. I am afraid that i might jus overdo it and result in permanent damage, yet to be stagnant and watch the situation develop is an overbearing feeling. Furthermore, i cant help but feel that wad i am thinking is simply false. Its about time i sort out such hypothetical reasoning that lurks within me. Hopefully, there is no need for me to, but if the situation calls, i will have to jus return to where my comfort lies and strengthen my inner mentality from thereforth. Hmmm guess my inspirational and motivational strength has already been set in unknowingly. Not within me, but in a place where i will protect and keep close to me all my life!! =)

Forest of thorns

2008-01-17T22:15:00.001+08:00

Out in front is a forest of thorns, while behind me lies a shaded nightmare in which i refuse to turn back to. All i can do is to force myself to push through it. I know i will be scarred and injured in the process, yet it is something i must do.. I am shrouded by confusion and distraught.. Too many things are happening at the same time and i am very tired.. Mentally, i no longer feel the emotional flunctuations within.. However, physically there is too much for this mental strength of mine to handle as it is still in the process rebuilding itself.. In band, in friendship and at home.. Its a horrid position to be in.. Hopefully everything will not turn into an widespread furore.. Perhaps, i will need to turn back to my epitome of optimism once more if i cant handle it anymore.. Meanwhile, i will not give up and will continue.. To everybody else, dun give up too.. Lets get past this uphill task together.. I am sure we can do it..

Bugis shopping with cindy

2008-01-16T01:10:00.000+08:00

Hmmm wad a turn of events today.. Wanted to go to buy something and go home early for once today.. Yet, i was not able to find what i want and ended up going all the way to bugis to shop with retard.. The good thing is i got to eat my MANGO again!! Lol.. We walked around and around, joking along the way and keep getting stressed up with the same decision over and over again.. Found alot of interesting stuff and it ended up with lots of laughter.. I especially liked that milky pig shirt at some shop and a shirt in 77th street.. One day i must go back there to buy them.. It was quite a unproductive trip cause we did not have enough cash to buy all we want to.. In the end, retard went to a shop and die die wanted to pick a shirt so that she has something to bring home.. As for me, i did not exactly get wad i wanted to buy in the first place, but more or less i bought something at least.. And we had a discovery.. As we walked at the basement, we found a popular bookshop that DUN SELL PENS!!! How ironic is that.. Lol.. Haha.. Thats about it.. Lastly, jus when we wanted to leave, we saw a shop that is so interesting and ended up seating there for half an hour and choosing which items we should buy.. It ended with us buying the most stuff at this random shop and did not really get what we initially set out to buy..

Eh, one thing is that somehow, on the train, something was mentioned and i cant help to not think bout it again.. I ended up returning into my world of surreality for quite sometime.. Argh its so irritating.. In the end, i ended up doing a few ques only and up till now i cannot sleep.. Luckily, the thought did not exacerbate and cause me to lose myself.. I am ok now, but it sort of spoiled my night.. I am not blaming anyone for this, but its jus that maybe i am too fragile.. Haizzzzzzz!!

ME and Andrew

2008-01-15T01:30:00.000+08:00

I dunno wad in the world is wrong with me. Day and night, i had been dreaming, thinking, hoping, imagining and awaiting for that one thing that i know is not possible. Can someone knock my head and wake me up. I think i really need to refresh myself soon, before i collapse under this accumulated longing and pressure i am facing!! Why am i so fragile now. Every small little thing is enough to make break me apart. Pls fade away. I want to be happy and i like being happy.

Had fun in NJ today. Spas did quite a few funny things as usual and retard was having fun mediating the crossfire btw the moron and spas. Haha. Did not have any major hiccups and so everything went well. To *ahem*, from deep inside our hearts, none of us are cheating on ourselves. Its really not as fun without u around. Stop trying to reason with urself. Jus accept and come back. If not, try to enjoy ur life k? Dun give up, we are always there for u!!

Oh and i wanna apologise to spas if i really made u very worried today. Pls dun be angry anymore k?? I thot u will understand so decided to play along with u.. Didnt know it will be so bad. So sorry!! =P

tag by cindy

2008-01-14T01:31:00.000+08:00

got tagged by retard.. haha

List out top 5 presents you want for your birthday:
one: for all my unhappiness engraved inside me to disappear 4eva
two: a selmer serie 2 sop sax (lol.. then i dunnit spend money buy myself =P)
three: for everyone i value to be happy and smile from within =)
four: a pig or panda!!!
five: anything from friends i value (its not the gift thats significant, but the thought behind it. my friends really rawk)

Answer the following questions

Your relationship with her is?
G.G gang, H.P gang, crapping partners, friends!!!

Your impression of her?
retarded!! haha jk.. fun-loving, positive thinking, bubbly by nature

The most memorable thing she has done for you?
Hmmm, lets see.. When she helped me win while partnering during bridge sessions?? lol.. Eh, perhaps is the encouragement she gave when i was feeling down ba..

If she becomes your lover, you will...?
love her back.. common sense rite?? if not y be lovers.. lol.. haha.. but now things like that are out of my league.. too traumatised by something else..

If she becomes your lover, things she have to improve?
ehhh.. maybe stop calling me FAT!! I am not FAT.. hahaha..

If she becomes your enemy, you will...?
let me consider the possibility!! based on the fun we had all these while, maybe near zero ba.. so i wont consider answering this ques.. cause no link!! anw, nobody in this world will become my enemy ba.. perhaps dislike, but most prob not an enemy.. unless that someone is so detestable.. so far no one yet.. anw im too nice.. lol

If she becomes your enemy, the reason is?
she is not my friend.. lol.. suddenly become v cold!! hahaha.. i dunno, if we would ever become enemies, i wont know the reason now rite?? unless i really intend for us to be enemies.. anw its not possible for her to become an enemy.. she is too nice, fun and great to have as a friend.. haha.. feeling touched??

Your overall impression of her?
likes to laugh, caring towards friends, optimistic, loves flute like mad, humble, "Sunshine" attitude, great friend bla bla bla.. The list jus goes on.. So summarise in one word.. Spectacular person!!

How do you think people around you will think about you?
eh.. dunno.. my HP gang nick is moron?? lol.. or maybe im fat and likes to sleep?? ooops like all v negative stuff hor.. haha nvm.. impt is to be happy!!!

What do you love about ur character?
i think i cannot love myself ba.. cause i feel that knowing whats good in urself is an act of a snob, and i dun like snobs!! but the fact that when ppl around me are happy, i will be happy.. perhaps its this love to see others happy that makes me like myself ba..

On the contrary, the character you hate?
i talk too much.. always talk and talk.. should learn to listen more to others!! sorry everybody.. nv give u all chance to talk.. u all mus talk more k!!

The most ideal person you want to be with is?
someone who i got to know through music, positive attitude, encouraging, comfortable to talk to, likes to stay happy, far-sighted and maturity in thinking, organised, hardworking, caring and helpful.. Ooops, like v demanding hor.. Okok.. Make it simple, someone who i will like alot and feel v happy with..

For people who care & like you, say something to them?
dunno leh.. smile always, be happy, dun sulk, be positive.. learn to love life and cherish wad u have.. Build up ur own life happily and generate strength from urself.. only then will we be strong.. oh and v v impt.. DUN FORGET ME!!! hahaha..

Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel
1. Ying Xu
2. Kakeru
3. Josephine
4. Cindy a.k.a Retard
5. Andrew a.k.a Idiot
6. Carmen a.k.a Spastic
7. Sharine a.k.a Zhu Mei!!!
8. Benjamin
9. Puay Bing
10.Chun Hui

Kashiwa, emome, emoandrew

2008-01-13T16:55:00.000+08:00

Last fri i went for kashiwa band concert.. Perspectively, even the word spectacular cannot fit into the bill.. They were jus so amazingly good, in a different league from the bands in Singapore.. Not only can they sing, dance and play like professionals, they can drive the mood of the concert hall through the entire concert.. Throughout the 3 hour concert, not a moment did i sense extremities in terms of annoyance and irritation.. Ppl were jus so engrossed with everything!!! Another thing that made me v impressed is that the players are able to play their notes with extreme precision and intonation, even when they are dancing and shaking.. Nv once was their intonation, tone quality and articulation compromised in the process of their concert.. The players can be swinging up and down, but their embouchure appears unaffected.. They were great!!! To add on,the band has over 200 ppl.. And personally, i feel that almost every single one is extremely proficient with their instruments and loves band.. Hmmm, luckily i did not miss this concert and i am very impressed.. KASHIWA MUNICIPAL SCHOOL BAND RAWKS!!!!

I am very bothered.. Its jus a short time, but i can already feel the sense of longing.. Perhaps i have sank too deeply in!! As i walked along Raffles Shopping Centre that day, i was reminded of many things!!! Things that seem to be pushing me back to the labyrinth that i climbed back up from.. Yesterday, as i walked through bugis with retard and spas, it made me feel even worst as i recalled even more things.. Within a period of one weeks, i went to two of the places that brought back many memories.. Deep inside, i was shrouded by thoughts.. Shadows start arising as i tried suppressing it as much as possible.. In the end, i was so afriad that i might jus break down and so once we are done with things, i requested to leave the place.. In the process of building up this new strength, little did i realise how fragile i am.. Hopefully, this would not accumulate and cause another breakdown before that..

Band prac on sat turned out quite badly, as everything nearly collapse.. The situation becoming v v bad now, as i began sensing complete desperation.. Moments of anguish became surfaced and everybody in the band began to realise the prob.. Truthfully, staying away is not the solution.. Its a problem which is so simple, yet complicated by thinking too much.. As said, its an accumulated prob and now its up to everyone to help bring everything back.. Please!!! If infiority is defined as that, there would be so many ppl who should not be existing around the world.. I understand the pressure is great, but jus know that we all feel that everything is great.. U ARE GREAT!!! If u are reading this please know that we will all be behind you!! Jiayou ba!!

Supporting andrew

2008-01-09T23:39:00.000+08:00

Last sun, something v familiar happened.. I was at east coast having our annual YEC teambuilding cum BBQ session when it began to rain.. We had no choice but to continue to BBQ in the rain.. I rented and bike and in the rain we cycled across east coast.. I could feel the rain in my eyes as we cycled, determined not to waste our rental fee.. Hmmm, sometimes life is jus full of such coincidence and we are jus played into the hands of it.. Not within control of ourselves..

Yesterday, i met up with jo.. Expected some changes in her, whether in character or looks.. But perhaps i thought too highly of her.. She still remained her usual self.. I dunno whether to say its good or bad, but ya she is still the same person a few months ago.. Ever so jovial with an utmost positive outlook in life.. Had a good chat over dinner, but as usual, had a short dispute during payment.. Had a short walk around Lot 1 together and ended my day from there off.. It was a happy outing and i am glad i still have such friends alongside me whom i can go out with.. Its really a true blessing..

Today after the band practice, there was a resonating silence in the band room.. It quite an oxymoron.. All of us did not mumble anything, we were all so quiet and there was no jokes present in the room while packing up.. Yet, the noise of all the tension can be felt in the air.. Unhappiness, worries and silent quarrels can be detected across.. Even Mr Ho felt the difference, only that he did not know why.. Its nobody's fault that things turn out this way.. All i can say is that this is jus how life is like.. Jus let it flow along and i am sure one day things will turn out fine.. We all wanna help, but it seems to be futile.. So guess its time to take and step back and perhaps the view will be broader and clearer.. Maybe then the clouds will clear and the sun will once again emerge from beyond the darkness.. Meanwhile, like we said, generation of spontanity and fun is wad we can do.. Lets jus be crazy and one day, hopefully soon, will be break the ice once more.. I will not do anything anymore, but not because i am giving up, but because i know that is not wad u need.. Discover ur world urself and you can be sure that when u turn around, we will be there behind you..

A problem is really getting serious.. Its been 4 nights and i have been dreaming of the same thing.. The strength in me is draining off at an alarming rate and my mind is often filled with the thought.. Wad in the world is happening to me.. I do not know and i nv will.. But perhaps its this that had kept me going up till today.. Arghh.. Even i myself is getting confused.. Lets hope and upcoming spate of events can extinguish this thought and reignite it with new energy..

Friendship, give and take

2008-01-06T10:47:00.000+08:00

Over the past few days, all i can say i had been in joy.. Did many things that made me really happy and seen many friends that really motivated me along.. A realisation is that this year will be a year that will past by very quickly, even before i know what i am doing.. That is y i mus be sure to be on constant alert and cherish every single moment i have.. Its a year where proper judgement is of great importance and decisions has to be made without hesitation.. Hmmm, lets jus hope stress would not get the better of me..

I was so so wrong in the past.. Friendship is something so much more then jus talking and going out to have fun.. Its about the trust ppl have of each other and the emotional dependency on one another.. As much as we want to give, we mus also learn to accept.. Be ever ready to accept what others have to give.. That is because they think the same way as us, to contribute to the friendship.. As the saying goes, it takes two hands to clap.. Its about the willingless to give and take that bonds two ppl together.. Furthermore, we should nv be particular about who gives more than the other.. Jus give wad u can and accept wadever others give.. A friend that only accepts wad u give and requests u to give more after that is notthing but a parasite.. Similarly if u are only accepting and not giving, u do not regard the other person as a friend even though u say u do.. Everyone has something to give, whether its ur time, ur company, gifts or jus a simple word of encouragement.. Its nv possible to balance out how much u give and take, so jus contribute generously and accept gracefully.. So to all my friends, jus accept wadever i offer to give, and similarly, i will accept wadever u want to give with no complaints.. I will kick the habit of always jus giving and refusing to accept wad u want to give.. Promise!!

*night after night, the same thought comes to my mind again and again!!! pls go away!!!*

Perfection?

2008-01-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

Last night, i dreamt of many things.. Its a beautiful dream and made me think alot.. Happenings of the past dwell on, but no longer as a nightmare, but as sweet memories.. My fear of the year ahead is an undeniable fact, but the fact that i know i have so many friends around me really pushes me ahead.. I am now a fragile soul, strenghtened by the much trust that all of my friends give me.. Day after day, the same thought stayed in my mind, leading me towards the strength that i hope to achieve.. I know that around me lingers around ppl whom are ever ready to pull me up if i fall and i am very grateful..

Hmmm.. After some self-reflection, i realised i had truly improved so much since i graduated from Nan Hua in terms of playing. Mr Tan had gave me a good foundation, and the trials of NJ had really brought me to a new level.. From a weak player with a feeble tone and shivers upon a two bar solo, i grew to challenge myself again and again, achieving better and better solos as i go along.. Hopefully, this upcoming concert, i would be able to reach a whole new level once again and challenge myself to play even better.. If possible, i would like to go beyond the boundaries of the saxophone range and play at the altissimo range this concert..

This brings me to another point.. A realisation is that many of my friends do not understand this point.. Some things in life are really not in our control.. Its not the many things u cannot do, its jus that there is jus no limit to the things u can do.. U cant ask urself to do everything, neither can u make everyone happy.. We should really get out of our shell and jus face everything head on. Its often then when we really realise that we can actually do.. When u think u are not doing something well, be sure of urself.. U should be able to tell others in the face that that u have done ur best and will continue to improve following on.. Challenge urself not give up on urself!!!

Similarly, to ppl looking for perfection, there is no such thing.. Take music making for example.. When a song is played, even if all the dynamics, articulations, tempo, notes, style is achieved, that does not mean that u have achieved perfection.. There is always a better way that it could have been played.. So there is no point dwelling on something that is over.. Jus be sure that the next would be better then the previous and that is enough.. Yup, stop looking for perfection.. Cause there is no such think.. Jus aim to do better each and everytime and its more than enough..

Perhaps sometimes, certain traumas do help one in realising the reality of life.. Thanx alot to EVERYTHING i have!!!! =D

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2008-01-01T03:00:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!! Hope u all have a wonderful year ahead of you.. Haha.. Recently i jus found out that my blog viewership is actually quite high and i am quite stunned to know that.. LOL!! Hopefully wad i said over the past few months did not affect u all too much!!! If i ever did, sorry bout it.. Its now a new year and a new start.. Lets jus leave everything as a fragment of history and move on k? Anyway, thanks for all ur care and concern..

Thanx to Zeyi for hosting andrew and the two so-called "Qi Guai De Ren" at ur house for this new year.. Sorry to bother u till so late.. But it has been fun.. The cards, the food, the talk, the fireworks and the msn spamming (ooops).. Yup was really fun!!

Lastly jus a msg for a friend.. I am sure wadever u did today was not an intentional deed, and so dun be too bothered by it k?? Its a fact that we occasional do things that fill us with guilt, but we have to get over it quickly before it results in another problem.. Like i said i am sure its an accident, cause i know that u are one who will not do anything terrible no matter wad.. U should know it yourself.. So dun sulk bout it.. Like i always tell u, dun worry and be happy.. Jiayou ba!!

ONCE AGAIN HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL............
(i still wonder why there are songs for Christmas, Hari Raya, CNY and National Day but nothing for New Year!!! LOL!!!)

Life must carry on

2007-12-30T14:02:00.000+08:00

Its been sometime since my last entry.. Back from my overseas trip, it is now a whole new start.. Everything i do shall start on a whole new step, and whole new level.. Upwards is where my goal belongs and its time to move on in life.. I have wasted too much time, and stagnated by everything for too long.. Perhaps being away from everything for awhile is really a form of relaxation.. Life is a form of growth, a change one must take, problems come and go, but it is often how we percieve and view it that gives us the hope and motivation in life.. We might lose our way, but it is where we find that special strength that pushes us on.. All this realisation lies in one special fact, i am starting to get what is it required of us in life.. I was so silly and childish to assume that everything we do be smooth sailing.. Its time for me to grow and to wake up.. Everything within my mind, all that i have learnt and understood is now written in one particular letter and has been sealed off. Similarly, along with the sealing of the lette, the memories are now sealed within the depths of my subconcious.. Everything is now in the back of my head and shall be a thought that lingers as a shadow within me, nothing else.. Its something i shall not think, dream or mention about anymore..

The overseas trip been quite enjoyable.. I have climbed the great wall, visited the ancient palace, went and learnt skiing, understood many historical theories on fengshui, chinese medicine and bought lots of stuff (including my new sax). Its really nice to have this holiday. The tour group members are fun and the tour guide was good.. Special thanks to my family, especially my mum for being so understanding throughout the journey..

Life is a long and difficult journey, but we must move on and stay strong throughout the way. This seems like a very old saying, but the depth of it is far more than just what we percieve.. Its time to continue on to face the challenges ahead as there is no longer anywhere for me to hide..

Emo or Not??

2007-12-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

A sense of longing lingers, together with a tinge of unwilling.. Time shuts the door smaller as each day passes, leaving me with less and less of the small pie that remains.. Hmmm, noticibly i have somewhat isolated myself.. For a few times already, i had been avoiding awkward situations and stick with ppl i am more comfortable with.. A trend seen is that if i choose to be quiet, there will often be v little to talk about.. Only when i bring about moronic jokes and stunts will laughter arise and spur on the atmosphere.. To make matters worst, i am not the only one with problems.. Haizz.. Its a really tiring task, yet i know i must do it.. For my friends, i mus no longer give them uneccessary troubles.. Every night, i stare into space, recovering from the exhaustionni suffer when putting up a jovial facade for the whole day, to appear having fun when i am actually not.. Its an uphill task.. Please forgive me, it is not that i am not sincere, but its really not something one can recover in a few days or few weeks.. Somehow or rather, i am really looking foward to flying off, away from everything, being alone in a faraway land.. Standing on the grass, staring from afar, its a very consoling sight.. As the shadows engulf u, i sank!! Wishes and hopes ran through my mind, and who knows if any of them are possible.. ARGH!!!

Band fest today was boring!! Sectionals turned out to be me learning nothing.. Perhaps too much exposure over the years had let these knowledge imposed upon me and i feel that there is nothing i can learn.. Hmmm.. To think i have to waste so much time and effort to stay happy!! Its really tiring to pretend and i hope all would end soon!! To my friends take care of urself.. The weather is changing and ppl are getting sick.. Eat, drink and sleep well.. This will really be the last entry in weeks!! So if u are a frequent here, no point checking the next few weeks!!

My emotions

2007-12-11T00:30:00.000+08:00

In a shrouded shadow, i choose to stand in the distance.. To a great extent, there is a strong longing.. However, once again, there is a lack of coherence between my mind and my heart.. In the many moments of solemn i had, i held on to the small tokens i recieved from friends.. To others, it may seem like small packets of sweets, but to me i defend them as will a lion defend its prey.. These are reminders that i am not alone, pillars of moral support i recieved these past few weeks.. I have sworn that the day i consume these shall be the day that i will recover.. Yet, the possibility of that seemed extremely far.. A strong front is what i hold most of the time, and the smile is what i choose to mask my emotions, yet the guilt of it pesters on from within me.. To state a reason seems impossible, but to me, there is only one that i can feel comfort with.. Mates of great acknowledgement apparantly seem to stay distant, to be above the situation and watch from the sidelines.. However, the need to be oblivious yet concerned at the same time remains beyond the horizon.. It is perhaps reasoned behind individual characters of ppl.. One line remains deep in my head, and that is "dun sink back in". Its a simple sentence yet with great meaning and fufillment within.. The debt of guilt and remorse shall continue accumulate through time, waiting for the day when everything opens up.. I do not know, neither can i guess the day when this debt is paid and when the storm will fade.. Meanwhile, expectation of emotional moments seemed infinite and mountains of barriers appear nv ending.. My dreams, my inspirations are all in dust.. My hopes, my goals are all in smoke... There lies nothing before me as i cannot play well, cannot study, cannot teach and cannot compose anything.. Darkness either engulfs my dreams, or bring upon false hopes.. Occasionally, memories of moments appear as the same few emerge in my dreams.. Haizz.. Sometimes life is so meaningless..

This will perhaps be the last time i blog for the next two weeks as i spend my time overseas.. Hopefully, it would be an enjoyable trip and may it last through successfully.. Bon voyage to all my friends as you fly off on different days this week.. May you enjoy urself and have a well deserved rest with all your family and friends!! Lets hope my emotions wont get the better of me and destroy affecting the band fest..

Mr Ho House

2007-12-10T04:09:00.000+08:00

I jus dun understand!! Y do some things jus choose to happen at the most inappropiate moment?! Many might have thought it was the bading moments at Mr Ho's house which caused me to become like that, but guess only two of them will know the true reason behind it.. I did not know how i did it, but its amazing how i manage to bolster enough determination to prevent my eyes from turning soring red and prevent tears from trickling down on the train.. Everything seemed fine, everything seemed smooth all through.. Though i had some moments of silence, i was still able to talk.. But after that msg, i jus cant control myself.. Back at home, i locked myself in, not even daring enough to face my parents as i burst out in tears.. I am very very hurt and very very disappointed.. Because of this, its one more night without sleep..

I would oso like to say that it is not that i am not appreciative and thankful of wad u or the others do, but its jus that the time wasted on me could have been spent more meaningfully.. I really hope you understand!! A occasional msg that is short and simple will mean alot to me, but sending long sentences of encouragement i feel is wasting too much time and it is not worth it, especially on someone as useless as me.. HAIZZZ!!!

I Think of You

2007-12-08T23:31:00.000+08:00

It often leaves me thinking where do i stand in this world.. I am confused, i am desperate.. Many times, i feel like exploding.. I want to really let it all out and relieve it from within me, but i jus cant.. Now is not the time, now is not the moment.. I have lost almost everything.. I am a loner, in individualistic existence.. My dreams are dashed, my hopes are gone.. I am jus clinging on to that one pillar of support, pulling through everything.. The barrier is jus in front, waiting for the day i pick up the courage to jump over.. I long for jus one more chance to hold on, but i know i will never be able to.. Some things seem so near, yet it is so far.. Its really scary how everything around me is turning out to become.. Day and night, i dream and think of the same thing.. Perhaps, one day, things will turn for the better.. One day, i will become a new person, a different person.. When that day comes, u might jus be able to see that "haha" returning back into all my smses..

After Prom, Alumni

2007-12-07T00:08:00.000+08:00

After PEPS Camp, prom night comes along and passes in the blink of the eye.. The videos made my thoughts wander and the sight of everyone really hit me hard.. This was perhaps the last time I might be seeing many of these ppl.. Afterwhich, on the night of prom, i got to know ppl in NJ who i nv ever acquainted myself with.. Friends of Yuxin, Kak and YX.. These are ppl i nv once talked to, but because of the fact that we spent the post prom night together, we began to know each other better.. They were fun ppl, and it is not their fault that i seemed bored.. I was the one who chose to isolate myself as i am still unable to stand up from that great fall sometime ago.. Haiz. Y izzit so hard to face up to reality.. We all know its something we cant run from, but we simply love to hide from it.. Ppl who are able to face up to it are ppl who are truly impressive and highly respected by others.. After prom, i was still kept busy with NH alumni.. In fact, after the night of prom, i had to go for work, followed by alumni prac.. So i passed by the days with little food and rest, with exception of one single night of course, where i was so tired i jus collapse.. I was not asleep, i was unconcious.. I know it because when i woke up, i felt extremely giddy and did not know how everything happened.. Luckily, everything happened on the sofa and so my parents thot i jus chose to spend the night in the living room.. At alumni concert, everything went smoothly and i am jus glad that it was a success.. Thank you Mr Tan for ur hard work, thank you alumni for all ur effort and i am really proud of all of ya..

Now that all the burden is off my back, i am totally disoriented.. Come to think of it, perhaps u are right.. 90% of the time when i smile, its not a sincere one.. I am jus doing it to make ppl around me feel better.. Hmmm, but guess u are the only one who can see through me to see that.. Maybe, being busy is not all that bad after all.. At least my thoughts would not wander.. I am now lost in a world of my own.. Though u dun mind, i think its time i convince myself to solve the problem myself.. I do not want to trouble you anymore, cause you have been providing me with much support all these while.. Now its my turn to face everything myself.. Go enjoy ur holiday and come back refreshed with new energy and drive for the coming year, one which would be extremely memorable, fufilling and exciting for you..

Truthfully, i had a few moments when i truly forgot my worries.. But these were truly moments when i had too many other things to do.. Currently, rather than saying that i am feeling better, guess it would be more appropriate to say that i am immune to the feeling and is much better at hiding wad i do not want others to see.. I am scared.. Every night, i lie there thinking of the same things.. I no longer know wad the future holds and how everything will turn out.. I no longer care!! Now the only possible future i can see is my overseas trip to China.. It lets me run away from everything.. I do not have to take everything full force in the face.. How everything goes will be clear when i return from China.. It should be all over when i return and it will be that day when i will truly be sure how the following year will turn out..

I am quite sure only the person involved and my zhu mei mei will understand this entry entirely, but pls keep it to urself if you happen to read this.. I do not wish to create further problems, not for myself and not for others..

Thank you and sorry..

2007-12-02T09:21:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i feel so useless, a good for nothing whom gives ppl problems.. I do not even know whether the PEPS camp was well done, or whether the alumni concert will be a success.. Cause they are all done by an useless person called Jia Hao!! I have heard many things, look ahead, look on the bright side, think positive, take care, dun give up.. I know that i should do it, but all seems so distant.. All i want is to not care, but once again my sense of responsibility acts again..

I am very guilty.. Till now, there is only one person whom i dare open up to and that very person has been standing by my side all the way.. I feel really bad, to bother only one person with everything i have, yet that is the only person i feel could relate to me.. Though u said its ok with u, but no matter wad, u have ur own life to lead and i should not interfere with it.. Perhaps u might not have realised, but my gratitude towards all ur care and actions have far exceeded what i have of all my other friends.. Last july, in the letter i wrote, i am already very thankful towards you, and now, u have became the person i trust most.. A solemn promise is made that if that is ever a day when i recover, u shall be the first to know and i must thank you formally. Thank you for all ur advice, ur scolding, ur persistance, ur effort, ur care, ur concern and ur stubborn attitude.. It really helped and made me think alot..

I am getting rather tired of life itself.. I know i am used to being a busy person, but nv one with such a heavy emotional burden.. Hmmm, at times shut down from everything seems pretty much like the best choice.. But there are too many whom care and i cannot bare to let go.. Thank you for all ur understanding!!

After PEPS Camp

2007-12-01T10:30:00.000+08:00

Three days of PEPS band camp has really drained the energy out of me.. I do not know how the kids are able to still able to run and shout and scream so loudly after three tiring days. I do not dare walk on the streets anymore cause i am now like a living zombie.. I have really no energy left to do anything more than jus lying on the sofa.. It was with much effort before i was able to type this entry..

Looking at the kids really made me feel better and to pushed me towards recovery.. However, halfway through i was shot down from my recovery and i fell deeper into my despair.. Now i am at the very bottom, in a gloomy world without any light.. I no longer have any incentive to climb upwards.. It is jus so amazing how bliss can turn into months of nightmare in jus a few minutes.. To make matters worst, as much as i force myself and as tired as i may be, i can only get a few hours of sleep..

Pretending is ever so diff and exhausting.. Its a uphill task and i am really tired.. Please let go and free me from this torture.. Argh!!

Poem: Dont want friends to worry

2007-11-28T02:35:00.000+08:00

Over me the shadows loom,
in the corner my soul glooms.
Every moment darkness sets,
pain in the heart is what one gets.
A hope of relieve lingers through,
a wish of release might come true.
Devastation will stay all full,
But the route to escape stays all slewed.
To hide my sorrows is all so cruel,
But all is so to protect the souls.
The ever worry of my heart-mates feels,
forces the alluring of my facade guild.

Trying to recover

2007-11-28T02:15:00.001+08:00

Currently, exhaustion is finally getting to me.. Last night, after hours of flipping and turning, my body finally give way and slept.. This should be the first time i truly fell into a sleep after so many days. Managed to sleep for two hours before waking up.. Afterwhich i could not sleep again. However, i still have no appetite and jus had some sweets and thats all i ate. This morning, while walking to Nan Hua, a giddy spell suddenly hit me.. I sort of swayed and almost fell to the ground.. Luckily a passerby came by and brought me for a rest. Afterwhich i am ok.. Alumni prac was quite good.. Mr Tan once again displayed his prowess as such an experienced conductor, teaching the alumni band new stuff as he worked through the song. Afterthat, i went to West Mall again to walk around once more.. I was asked why do i always go there.. And all i could ans was because i felt like it.. Hmmm, the real reason i am also not sure.. Then went Concord Pri to work before cabbing down to VCH for crescent concert.

Crescent Concert was good. They had a good sound, with a standard above many other secondary school bands. But they must learn how to feel more, minimise sqeaks, look at the conductor and count properly.. Of course, a problem in many bands, their intonation is still a little out. But on the whole, they were good and i would have enjoyed the concert if not for my current state. In actual fact, though i bought the tix, i wanted to give it a miss.. I was so lethargic and i know i would not have the mood. However, when Sher Yan called to ask if i can seat with Yifang cause she is alone, i felt bad to reject her and say that i am not going already. So there i was. Through the concert, i had moments when i am really listening, but also times when i go into my own world, stoning and had many recollections. In many occasions, i felt my eyes wet.. But i quickly dried it as i did not want Yifang to see it.. I tried my best to hide my sorrow and it was successful.. Yifang did not realise at all, partially also because she was so engrossed with the concert itself.. However, after being with nich for awhile, despite my attempts to conceal everything, nich still noticed i was sad and asked me why i was like that.. Hmmm i am really not cut out to be an actor!!

On the way home, i thought about many things.. Not recollections of the past and definately not the unhappy moments recently, but things a friend told me.. It was these things she said that very day to cheer me up, but i was too emotional to really absorb what she is trying to bring across. Overtime, i know that it is something that i will nv forget, but i have the ability to numb its effect.. Jus let myself get used to the feeling and thats it.. Its true that life will go on whether i choose to or not. She said that " It is either you choose to move on or life forces you to move on." And so, since that very day i took that pendant off my neck, i had already given up.. I knew i could no longer hang on to it forever, yet i refuse to let it go. So i have decided i shall choose to move on myself.. It will be a turning point.. However, it is much easier said than done.. I am still extremely depressed with everything, put i will push foward as much as i can, so as not to disappoint all my friends who care for me so much.. I dare not promise that i will not be sad, cause it is impossible.. Jus let me have my moments of depression, let me work things out from within.. She also told me to not bluff myself.. I will nv recover so quickly, cause if i do, there is something wrong with me.. Therefore, i have come to terms with everything and jus accept it.. Lastly, she also said that i should take this as a life experience and learn to grow with it.. Come to think of it, its really true.. If all things go too smoothly in life, it would become so meaningless.. It is the ordeals and challenges we face that makes life so interesting.. Hmmm, now i finally know.. The moment i meet into one of the greatest dip in my life, the first person that came to my mind was her. Why of so many ppl i chose to ask her out for a talk.. Perhaps, inside me i know that she is one of the only person who can really help me through all this.. Thank you very much..

Its a promise that i will try to move on, but pls forgive me if i dao many of you, dun talk when with everybody, dun eat and sleep or always choosing to be such a loner. I will need time, so be patient.. I know the old Jia Hao will nv come back again, cause this has really affected me too much.. My mindsets have changed and the way i see life will have matured.. Sorry everybody!!

This will be the last entry for quite sometime.. Next three days will be PEPS Band Camp and i will be busy. Prom night is next week, followed by Nan Hua Concert and then my overseas trip.. I will try to post if i am free, but dun expect it to be as often as now.

Touched

2007-11-26T23:10:00.000+08:00

Firstly, i would say i am touched truly by all the ppl around me.. These few days, i have been hoarded with msg from ppl from all parts of my life, telling me to cheer up, to be happy, to not give up and to eat and sleep.. Hmmm, they say bad news spread far and fast, that is so very true.. I am really thankful for everything, but all i can say is that i am really thankful for everything.. It will take time, but i will recover.. So thanx for all ur concern and so sorry to make all of ya worry..

Today morning at CHIJ, I had a tiring day.. The girls there were hyperactive, with seemingly unlimited energy.. And so i have to spend lots of effort to catch their attention.. This was an especially uphill task for me at this time, where i barely have enough energy for me to move around.. Haiz.. Luckily, i managed to be tackful with many of them and convinced them that seating down quietly was the best option..

Afterwhich, i collected GP notes fm CK and crescent tix from Sandra before going home.. However, after awhile i could not stand it anymore and left home to go out for walk.. Alone i walked, from Lot 1 to Causeway Point and lastly to the place i felt most comfortable with, West Mall.. It is really a bad experience as i wanted to go out to forget all the unhappiness i am having.. Yet, everywhere i go, i will trigger memories that makes me even more distressed.. Almost everything i see forces me to remember many other things, luring out strong emotions from within me.. It was so embarassing, as i broke into tears 4 times today.. In my memories, since the time i matured, the number of times i broke out in tears can be counted with jus a single hand.. Yet, jus today i could not control myself for 4 times, furthermore in the eyes of the public.. Following on, i met yx at West Mall.. She dragged me to sakae and seemed to be forcing me to eat throughout the meal there.. However, during the meal, i seem to not be thinking as much and my mood lightened by quite alot.. In addition, while seating there talking, i felt much better.. At the very least, i was able to force out a smile and talk.. She is truly an inspiring friend.. She told me something that really made me think.. Sometimes we jus use the excuse that we cannot eat anymore when we dun feel like it.. But in actual fact, we can if we want to.. Hmmm.. Perhaps this is something i should really think about.. We ate and chatted bout many things, while she managed to make me open up about many things and provided suggestions for me.. In the end, we talked more than eating and amounted to a bill of less than 15 for the two of us.. Amazing isnt it, considering it is an hour or so sakae sushi meal.. Following on, we went to buy potatoes for as her mum wanted to cook potato soup.. As predicted, she did not know how to pick potatoes and asked me how.. Hmmm.. Yup, i seem to feel a little better.. I still stone and do alot of recalling, i still cant eat and sleep and i still cannot find any motivation to do anything.. But at the very least, negative thoughts were vanquished and i no longer think of pessimistic actions such as suicide and torture.. Mr Loh's incident helped too as i realised the value of life..

I know for the upcoming PEPS band camp, alumni concert and prom night, i would need to appear happy at the very least.. Though i know appearing happy is not exactly the right target to have, but at least i would not affect the ppl around me to be unhappy too.. Its something to work towards to.. To my dear friends, i know that my previous entries have affected u all alot and set many of u worrying.. However, pls dont be cause i will feel very guilty if u are.. Up till now, I will be fine.. So i hope that after reading this entry all of u will feel better and not worry so much..

Thank you friends

2007-11-26T01:47:00.000+08:00

Today is another day of truama.. All of you are trying to convince me to eat and sleep, but it is no longer within my control anymore.. I know i am extremely hungry, but i jus cant find the appetite or craving to have any food.. So it is another day without eating anything.. Sleeping, all i have to say is that i have tried my best.. I have been lying on my bed for most of today.. However, the most i could do was to go into a semiconcious state.. I was not sleeping, cause i knew exactly what is happening around me.. However, my eyes more or less resisted to open and refuses to wake up.. When i finally opened up my eyes, more then 6 hours has past yet i felt as if i have not slept at all.. Maybe my body has been in a state of self protection, shutting me away from the outside world and not caring about anything.. Other than jus lying on the bed, i am jus msging ppl bout the alumni band and peps band camp.. How i wish i could not care, but i know it is impossible to back off now and i would feel extremely guilty if these are cancelled because of my personal problems.. All i am trying to do now is to force my body to finish off wad i have to do.. Wad holds for me in the future, or whether i have any future i no longer care much.. I know it is very pessimistic, but i cant be bothered with it anymore.. Of course not forgetting the few hours when my cousins asked me out to go for a movie.. We were watching enchanted.. It was supposed to be a very beautiful fairy tale cum comedy.. However, through the whole show, i did not even smile.. And there were times so bad that i jus stood up and walked out of the cinema for some fresh air.. Perhaps now is not the time i should be going for all these, cause it is a total waste of money for me now and i will need to use that minmal energy and focus i have to finish off wad i set out to do.. I cant afford to use it up like that..

However, i also wanna say thank you to all my friends who are there to support me.. Though I know many of u are very muddled by wad is happening, but i can feel that u all hope that i will cheer up.. All i have to say is that i am very sorry.. This is not something i can resolve within such a short time.. I cant do it!!! In fact i think nobody can if they fall into the same situation as me!!! Of course, special mention to that one friend who has been there since the very first day this thing happened till now.. For doing so much for me, and spending so much effort to make me feel a little better.. For caring so much and giving me so much encouragement.. For all the msg every night to make sure i was surviving well.. Truthfully, without this friend, i might have collapse a few days ago, or might not even be alive to ever type this entry now!! I do not know why, but i jus felt better when with you.. It is not wad u say, cause wad u say is the same as wad other says.. But perhaps, it is that vibrant charactor of urs that is so influential.. Or it could be due to the fact that u know so much that i no longer have anything to hide from you, giving me a great sense of relieve.. Haix.. I dunno y, but u have helped alot so THANX!! Oh and to that other friend whom jus got to know about wad happened today, i do not need you to do anything for me.. So dun feel guilty if u cant do anything.. Jus be normal and all would be fine.. I jus need ur understanding thats all..

The two of u are perhaps the two people i trust most other than my family already.. Of course, it is not that i do not trust the rest of my friends, jus that i do not find the need for so many to know and make such a fuss about things.. I know that u all will always be there for me, and that is more than enough to make me happy.. Sometimes, ignorance is also a form of bliss.. I was told, "Friends are variable factors while family members are fixed factors in life!!" However, my only existing hope now that remains rather vivid is that these friends of mine will stay with me through my life, especially the two which has done so much for me in both the past and present.. Of course, to zhu mei mei, u frequent my blog so often, i think you should be able to guess wad happened.. If not, i will tell u about it the next time we meet..

Forgive me, the next few days i would jus immerse myself in work to finish off my duties. Pls forgive me for being stone or dao when doing stuff cause i doubt i have any energy to put up a facade anymore.. I will try my best to be normal, but pls understand if i cant do so.. Thanx..

** Today it was finally confirmed. Mr Loh, NJ PE Teacher had drowned to death in Cambodia during the Dragonboat Race. He was such a nice teacher and was an idol to many guys, being so strong and fit. It was a NJ's loss to lose a teacher like him. To think i was still joking with him at the grandstand a few weeks ago. Life is jus so unpredictable!!**